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Dear Peta Credlin

July 31st, 2014

Dear Peta Credlin,

Yes, I understand the dilemma. Telling Tony not to say anything unless he hears it in the headpiece has lead to rather embarrassing silences like the one with that Channel 7 reporter a few years back. On the other hand, letting him speak when he feels that he isn’t going to say anything controversial is risky and can lead to comments like the one about Australia being “unsettled” before the British came here. I presume the “suppository of wisdom” comment was just his inability to hear what you were saying clearly.

After giving the matter some thought, I don’t think that it’s really a good idea to go down the path of declaring war on Russia. True, they may not notice – particularly if we don’t actually send troops there – and any occasion where we can play the patriotism card and accuse people of playing for the other team works well for us, but I think this may be a mistake for two reasons. First, Russia may actually retaliate in some way, and second, we’d have to actually send the troops somewhere. Even if we call it “Operation Take Back Russia for The Czars” and black out all media coverage, some of the troops are bound to spill the beans and tell someone that they spent the entire campaign in Mauritius.

I have a rather radical plan, and I know this goes against everything you’ve been trying to do up till now.

Why not let the front bench speak to the media?

Just go on a brief overseas holiday and tell them that they’re free to say what they like. A couple of weeks of Joe, George, Christopher, Eric, Barnaby and company shooting off their mouths and anything’s Tony’s said until now will seem calm and reasoned. People may even start to feel sorry for him.

Whatever, you and he can return to Australia and when he says that’s not what we are go to do/actually believe everyone will breath a big sigh and say, “Thank God, Tony’s back and we have a pair of calm hands at the wheel.”

I know it seems like a radical plan, but it worked for the Labor Party in Victoria for a number of years. Every time they did something controversial, they’d find some way to introduce a topic that Jeff couldn’t resist commenting on, and people would quickly forget whatever it was that was upsetting them. They’d have probably won again in 2010, but a bout of laryngitis stopped Jeff speaking at a critical time.

Whether you follow my advice or not is up to you, and you have my full support in the coming years, whether in your current role or as is becoming more likely, adviser to Malcolm. Just remember, you’re leading an independent government and I only offer advice in order to be helpful. Make your own judgement, and don’t let the fact that I crushed the last two Prime Ministers make you feel as though it’s necessary to take my suggestion.

Regards,

Rupert.

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26 comments

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  1. townsvilleblog

    This would be a great joke, if it weren’t so close to reality.

  2. Dan Dark

    The ship is sinking and PETA will need two buckets now to keep bailing out the dirty water, because it is filling up quicker than she can bail, PETA is as toxic as the rest of them now she cannot hide anymore from herself even 🙂

  3. Richard

    I agree totally with townsvilleblog. This situation is more scary than funny BECAUSE it’s so real. Be afraid, be very afraid.

  4. Anne Byam

    Priceless … again. But too close to the bone for laughter to be long and loud.

    Always look forward to your articles …. 😉

  5. Hotspringer

    @Rob031 Yes, but this is cutting off welfare to SUSPECTED terrorism supporters. Who will assess them? Be afraid, be very afraid.

  6. Anne Byam

    hmmm. The idea has some merit, but could lead to large amounts of time wasting investigations by various Government Departments, in the pursuit of alleged claims that he / she / they are acting suspiciously. Neighbours could pit against neighbours ! Misleading information given, because someone doesn’t like someone else – or because he / she / they ‘look’ different – or are of Middle Eastern origin.

    Could lead to even more destabilisation in fact. ….. and a very real threat of more racial discrimination – which of course would carry it’s own backlash, ultimately.

    If this one gets past the Senate, the Government will have to know exactly what they are doing, why and how …. and frankly, I don’t trust that consideration one bit. Be afraid ? yes – to a degree ( until we know what they are really up to ) ….

    We must keep a very watchful eye on it all – as we have to anyway, these days.

  7. John Fraser

    <

    Dear Rupert,

    As always thank you for your exceptionally good advice.

    Letting the Cabinet speak out was fantastic, they could not have created better headlines if they tried, it was almost as good as your "Australian" at making headlines.

    Tony is back now and just as you said the MSM are gushing over his "take charge" attitude, and people are saying he is a "Captain".

    But you most likely know that already, due to your next Poll having been already prepared.

    I was thinking of letting the back benchers have a little more rope but as you are well aware those like Bernadi tend to go a little too far …. shit lets be honest here they go much too bloody far.

    We have some …. if I may say so myself …. some exceptionally good self advertising coming up that we shall have in your media …. taxpayer funded, of course ….. with lots of colour (the ad boys try to tell us that its expensive ha ha ha) and some really good graphs and pie charts … hell you should see Hockey tying himself in knots trying to work them out haha … just love crapping on Hockey, that will teach those Palestinians.

    We are all working hard on building the NBN for you and selling off the ABC, to you.

    Once again thank you, thank you …. for all your assistance.

    From the Office of the Prime Minister

    Peta Credlin.

    ps Tony said something as he was wheeling his bike out but you know what's he's like when he is going for a ride with his boys,
    between you and me a proper wanker ….. speaking of which say hello to Rebekah her blokes an even bigger wanker.

  8. corvus boreus

    Hotspringer,
    Apparently, in assessing levels of suspicion regarding terrorism, discretion will be exercised by ministers Brandis, Bishop and Morrison, who will “take into account all relevant factors”.
    I hope that eases your fears.
    I suspect it may not.

  9. Geoff Stoddart

    “you’re leading an independent government ”

    independent of any intelligent thought

  10. corvus boreus

    Mr Barnaby Joyce,
    I am writing regarding your comments in light of the cold-blooded ambush murder of state environmental officer Glenn Turner (and death threats, with violence, against his colleague) whilst at his duties, allegedly by a landowner in multiple breaches of existing legislation.
    You linked the murder to extremes of emotion in the landholding rural community, and recommended softening of the environmentally protective legislations Mr Turner was enforcing.
    Leaving aside any possible issues of appropriateness and sensitivity to the victim’s family, friends and colleagues, I have a wider issue with your statement and recommendation.
    Your utilisation of the murder of a public official by a murderous extremist as an excuse to lobby for legislative amendment sends a signal that violence can achieve political change under the current government.
    By justifying the actions of those who murder as a means to opposing the law of the land, you are perilously close to sympathising with and enabling terrorism.
    Sincerely.

  11. Dan Dark

    I watched an interview about the tea party when they were having their last elections, the dude who was being interviewed said about the tea party and why they opposed obamacare so vehemently and it was so watered down in the end by opposition to Obama, was because it’s harder to take things off people after they know the benefits, so they will do anything to stop it, because it’s harder taking things away from people,
    so hence all the Coal ition knew when they matched labor on gonski and the NBN and health all those other things to win election they had nooo plan to ever, and Tones statement just clarified it

    “As Tony Abbott said on Friday, it is difficult to explain a budget that involves taking things away from people.” Says Lenore Taylor

    “But if this really represents his best effort to help the most disadvantaged people in Australia, his government really is a very long way removed from the lives and circumstances of the people from whom they are taking the most.”
    http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/aug/15/joe-hockey-apology-welfare-budget-poor-people?commentpage=4

  12. Lost2

    Now he has outdone himself again, not content with Hockey taking the limelight of Gaffe of the week, now good old Tones has put his foot in it again with our overseas standings by having a go at Scotland, just when you think this mob would learn to keep their god damn mouths shut, this hits the world stage http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/aug/17/tony-abbott-blasted-ludicrous-intervention-scottish-referendum, God help us, how much more do we have to suffer ?

  13. Anne Byam

    @Lost2 …. unfortunately, we will suffer a lot more at the hands ( and mouths ) of this ludicrous organisation that calls itself ‘the Guv’mint’. The Guardian article said it all.

    Have said it before and will say it again. I have the sneaking suspicion that this lot really do not want to be in power. They are out of their depth, have no coherent policies, continue ad nauseum putting forward confronting ‘comments’ on world affairs ( which often is none of our business at all ), produce the most dreadful of proposed legislation for the Australian people, particularly the disadvantaged…. not to mention making statements that get most sane thinking people, off side. And this is a Government that wants to govern ? I think not.

    As Opposition, they are in their element – firing vile broadsides of political and personal nature ( as was shown so very often in the vitriole that was fired at the Labor Government and their leader up to September last year ). THAT is their forte …. and I believe they cannot wait to get out of the mess they are in. However, being the pompous asses they are, they just might prefer to wait out their term – and not call a DD, as to go down the gurgler 1/3rd of the way through their term, would not sit well with their collective ego’s.

    They simply do not have anything to offer …. and never will have.

  14. Richard

    These idiots are past the pale. Not content with rubbishing’the poor’, forcing the Australian Navy to become pirates torturing women & children on the high seas as well as costing Australian Farmers over $400 mil with bans by the Russian Government due to their rabid dog comments about shooting down planes, they seem also to want to interfere with every other country that wants democracy. What else would you expect from a fascist dictatorship? How do we depose these ratbags?

  15. townsvilleblog

    corvus, sadly the extremists who currently have the government reigns in the states and federally do not conform to the ideals of ordinary Aussies, the half legitimization of murder is just another approach to political matters that Aussies have never before seen.

  16. townsvilleblog

    Dan, the mistake is in thinking that the LNP could ever, would ever be on the side of the ordinary Australian. They have only ever looked after the wealthy, and these days it is more pronounced than it ever was in the past. They are following the yank conservative parties in keeping the poor, poor so that the rich can continue to try to satisfy their insatiable greed.

  17. townsvilleblog

    Lost2, I love to see Abbott comment, he is such an embarrassment, all the world now knows that Aussies made the wrong choice last September. Hopefully Aussies will have the good sense to throw the LNP out at all future elections. I would however have liked to see genuine democratic reform occur within the ALP which may not happen if they get back in at the next possible occasion? What do you think?

  18. townsvilleblog

    Anne, so beautifully put, I couldn’t agree more.

  19. townsvilleblog

    Richard, have the Russians banned our wool yet?

  20. townsvilleblog

    Richard, unable to read the highlighted piece because I do not subscribe to “The Australian” (thanks for posting) but I take it that Russia continue to take our beef and wool if they decide to further avoid our farm products because of a lunatic PMs sprooking I believe that our economy would be in even more trouble than it is today after a year of conservative incompetence.

  21. Carol Taylor

    Townsvilleblog, copy and paste the URL into a Google search which gets behind The Australian’s paywall. If this doesn’t work (and sometimes it doesn’t) delete the last numbers and letters after the last forward slash – this works on other of the Murdoch papers online as well.

  22. townsvilleblog

    Carol, thank you so much, I’m grateful for your help. Regards, Shaun.

  23. Richard

    Apologies Townsville blog, I assumed that you would be able to just click on the link. Carol seems to have the right idea. I suspect the reasons the Russians haven’t [yet] banned our Angus Beef is that they like MacDonalds. Maccas use the “pure Aussie Angus beef” as a marketing tool, without telling consumers that the Australian Beef herd is 98% Angus anyway. Like they have a choice…. Ronald MacDonald for PM? He could probably do a better job.

  24. townsvilleblog

    Thanks Richard, I never eat what they call food from McDonald’s in any case but nor do I believe most if not all advertising, I find life is easier that way. So typical that they would advertise the bleeding obvious lol.

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