Sunday 5 November 2017
Cracks are beginning to show in the pitch. The pitch, that is, that Malcolm Turnbull is making to the Australian public. In fact, some of the cracks are so wide of the crease that they indicate a turning wicket. The batting side is also having selection problems with some of the players finding it difficult to prove their citizenship.
Both Turnbull’s captaincy and his batting for Team NeoLiberal over the season have been so bad that many have suggested he might be replaced. On form, those in the know say he has little chance of making a big score. In fact, the shifty way he is running between the wickets would suggest a possible run out towards the end of the year.
The current state of play indicates a subtle but significant shift in how the game is being played. The Prime Minister is on the back foot firmly behind the ball, playing a negative straight conservative bat like any well-bred cricketer with right-wing origins. He insists he is just a good player out of touch. “I’m hitting the ball well it’s just that I keep getting out.”
Meanwhile, the opposition leader’s bowling has been off-line. If fact, he has no-balled a few times for bowling wide of the crease.
So let’s see if we can analyse the match thus far, remembering this is a five test series over three years.
Despite an ageing, out of form team of over the hill players who seemingly can’t make up their mind as to who they should be playing for. Captain Turnbull seems determined to, if we are to take his words about equality seriously, wants to replace a few of ageing players with some gay ones. I for one would vote YES to that I thought we had enough poofters in the side.
Yes, there’s been talk that he might chance his arm and change the line-up for the next match. “We need new bowlers who can swing the bloody thing to the right,” he was heard to say. The swingers in the side are bowling too much left leg over stuff.
Of course, the Murdoch press is playing ball with all this negative play. They continue to support his captaincy, despite his atrocious decisions. I mean, when you’re batting on a green top, why on earth would you bowl so much spin?
Poor form, that.
On the other hand, social media has stumped a few batters by chucking a lot of fast positive commentary at a government deemed to be worst since … well, I can’t remember when.
Sinking to all this underarm stuff is “simply unbecoming”, they have said of Turnbull’s captaincy. You would think he would recognise that it’s time to concentrate on the finer points of the game and consider traditional fair play.
Even the umpires have chatted to him about all the ball tampering. The fact is, they have been caught behind and need to play ball with the umpiring public.
At the rate the out of form Turnbull is scoring he is unlikely to captain the side in the next test, and there is still some doubt about the composition of the team.
Some are saying that Pyne should be dropped or that he should at least get a manager because he has been handling himself too long. He said he had no objection to having some poofters in the side so long as they took block on middle stump.
Another on the back foot, as it were, is Brandis, who it is said is always short of breath (or a length) and is finding it difficult to run between the wickets. Reading the rules while waiting to bat must be detrimental to one’s performance. He always seems to be full of shit.
Not known for his fairness, Dutton kept claiming the other side for his inability to hit the ball straight. He bats well out of his crease was well out of his crease and stumped several times when he wouldn’t give an undertaking that the team treat others fairly, instead opting to hit them with life in prison.
Meanwhile, the right of right in the member’s pavilion could be seen clapping every shot. It’s fair to say that the Government is playing as though they have no leader and everyone is telling him how to play. Malcolm looks bewildered, like he cannot decide on the batting order given so many are out of form.
I mean Brandis has been on a pair twice in the last two tests. The pace men Morrison, Dutton and Joyce have been swinging the ball so far to the right that they are continuously being no-balled. The team has been split on the niceties of fourplay for the whole season and are finding it hard to reach any decision on the important issues. They seem stuffed of energy and just want to play direct action all day.
Well, they did get rid of the Carbon Tax but the entire team still seems to be confused by the difference between weather and climate, which doesn’t go well for the quality of future pitches.
You might say the spectators have been hit for six on this one. Maybe it’s time to bring on the quicks. A bit of bodyline, or as a I said before, a bit of direct action of the right sort wouldn’t go astray. Or they could bring on the Coal twins to bowl some renewables.
Anyway, after bowling a few maidens there can be no doubt Turnbull has copped one in the box over his hypocrisy. I mean, you just can’t believe that the game should be played transparently, fairly and in the best interests of the game.
Turnbull has this habit of changing the rules to suit himself. I reckon he needs a new protector to keep everything in place, otherwise he allows everything to hang loose.
It’s been a balls-up all round and the bowler has been no-balled four times during the current over while trying to get the point across. Fact is, Turnbull’s policies are being comprehensively hit to square leg and team mascot Puppy Pyne was seen chasing after them with a view to retrieving them because he’s not guaranteed of a second knock.
Frydenberg nicked one over the slips from Tony Burke but was caught out in Hungary. There’s a few like him in the team. Reminds me of something Merve Hugh’s said to a spectator at fine leg at the G after dropping a catch; “Fkn hopeless”.
And Turnbull’s team are appallingly bad sports. It’s a pity the opposition can’t appeal to the third umpire. Once upon a time it was a gentleman’s game and we played by traditional rules, but captain Turnbull seems to have let it all roll into the gutter.
He has replaced everything our beloved game stands for with Lillee white lies. All the video replays confirm it. And the austerity Morrison has placed on the game – well, it’s a crying shame.
I think for the last two years he has just been batting with the breeze or must have been hit with a bouncer while not wearing a helmet. Concussion set in, and when he recovered he realised that there are real known facts in the world and that truth does matter.
When I found out about all the lies and the hypocrisy, any respect I had for the captain of Australia was hit for six. My God, I felt like as if I had just copped one in the nuts from Malcolm Marshall I was so distressed. Bloody hypocrite. No wonder a captain who bats at 10 isn’t a cricketer’s arsehole.
No wonder he’s on a pair. Then during the lunch break he was complaining about the cost of living (or was it lifestyle?) pressures on the players and spruiked that it was perfectly OK to receive expenses even if they were given to the spouses.
Nothing worse than a bloody all-rounder who can only bowl arm balls. It was as well the public appealed against his version of free speech, otherwise he might never have shut up.
Then after lunch he brings on his slowest bowler George Christensen to bowl “Chinaman” deliveries. In a recorded interview before play he was quoted as saying that he was stumped as to why the game had never appealed to the commos.
Goodness knows, he is good at bowling spin on sticky wickets. George was on a hat-trick but the umpire dismissed his third appeal on the basis of an obstructed view – something to do with body mass.
Anyway, at the close of play Turnbull’s Team Australia has shown little desire to get on with the game. Turnbull gives the impression he would rather play his own game but the middle order seem to have him by the balls. The team treasurer is still saying the team budget is fair, even though those handling the finances say it isn’t. Some journo friends are telling me he won’t deliver another one.
After a long drawn out final session, the captain of Team Australia (as it was known under the previous Captain Tony Abbott) looks intent on a draw of sorts. He doesn’t seem to have the spectators on side. His captaincy shows little innovation or flamboyancy and is in disarray, and the team is in chaos, the pitch is deteriorating, and he shows little inclination to arrest his and his team’s appalling governance of the game.
At the after play drinks one player in the opposition was heard to say, “That bloody Turnbull must have been born with two dicks. He couldn’t be that stupid playing with one.”
My thought for the day
“It simply isn’t cricket anymore.”