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Cuddly Pete

The rehabilitation of Spudkins Dutton

In 1977 Jerry Hall, super model, cover girl and actor ditched the suave Roxy Musician Bryan Ferry for a richer but daggier Mick Jagger. Fast forward many years and Jerry decided to broaden her palate and further stress test her gag reflex by buffing the kransky of Rupert Murdoch – events I have no desire to imagine but it could be somewhat akin to spooning a bag of wet sick. And, this will be coincidental, Rupe has a 22 year head start on Mick to the reading of the will. Now after six stoic years of an uninterrupted ‘near death’ experience Jerry’s patience with the scrotum-headed old fossil’s Keith Richards Syndrome has come to its end – she has pulled the plug on the Dirty Digger. Not, unfortunately, that plug – the fucker’s still alive. To paraphrase a Ricky Gervais joke, Jerry complained “He may be the world’s most amoral, opportunistic grifter and a threat to democracy but he lied about his age. He told me he was 104.

Speculation has now mounted, like a honeymooning gold digger on a nonagenarian’s face, about whether Jerry gets ownership of the Liberal Party via the divorce settlement. That’s doubtful given Rupie gets off on his agitprop with its sycophantic News tabloid editors, obsequious Sky opinionista and chesty blonde Fox conspiracy spruikers and, especially, his favourite thing – ownership of presidents and prime ministers. There’s no evidence Jerry has a direct interest in undermining democratic ideals so likely she will happily leave that to be inherited by the Rupster’s dodgy spawn once the wrinkled old fuck finally departs our by then polar ice-free earthly realm.

Following the May electoral defenestration of his L/NP subsidiary Rupert’s pamphleteers, bin rummagers and phone hackers are working their way through the grief cycle from shock to denial, anger, sabotage and bastardry. Key to this process is how they re-package their product and its brand ambassador – a bloke with the head and attitude of a copper’s truncheon.

Introducing Cuddly Pete, a to be re-modelled tubermensch, that shiny-domed lockless monster ersatzgruppenfritter Spud Dutton who as minister for refugee abuse, when not using kittens to play fetch with an Alsatian, had his dark-uniformed Gestapotato harass dusky-toned citizens on the streets of Melbourne, treated two little Biloelan girls as dangers to national security and sued an impoverished tweeter for hurt feelings.



The success of Rupert’s exercise in spraying cologne on a chum bucket is yet to be proven but it is off to a bad start. Leave aside for the moment that Spud, sorry…Cuddles, is a 20 metre swimmer in a 50 metre pool who thinks shit takes are Japanese mushrooms and Feng Shui is a Chinese tennis player – in his first press conference as Lib leader Spuddley Too-right said; “I want to give you this assurance, we’ve heard loud and clear from the [partisanship-weary] Australian public” to be qualified a short time later with “Our job is to make things difficult for the Government“…so, lessons learnt, eh? Back to an obstructionist, Abbottesque future where after only three weeks Cuddles’ troops are laying the blame for nine years of Tory corruption, incompetence and wreckage at Labor’s feet.



Cuddly Pete thinks the times will suit him, that the blow-back of the disastrous Tory experiment will reflect poorly on Labor’s attempts to restore our national integrity, dignity and functionality – an endeavour that will be enthusiastically supported by Murdoch’s flunkies. No doubt Rupert will still be around in three years to see if his investment comes good. Jerry most likely won’t give a fuck.

This article was originally published on Grumpy Geezer.


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  1. Phil Pryor

    Peter Duckwit-Futton has less charm than a well loaded used nappy. Lies about his being human are ridiculous in concept, as this ex-copper clod is repulsive and loudmouthed with his antisocial outbursts. He is on record, forever, as a thoughtless, brainless, heartless and now gutless object of hypocrisy. The shitpot of Australian conservatism is loaded with Murdoch endorsed duds, dummy fronts, wannabe getrichquick turds and assorted bumboys and joygirls of no repute. Revolting, and we will be…

  2. Mr Bronte ALLAN

    We are just SO lucky to have the dustbin & all of his lying fucking mates as our opposition! And it sounds like he is going to be another rabbot dickhead too! Heaven help all of us if dustbin proves to be rabbot light (or heavy). Yes, just another of the long line of lying, cheating, flat earth, climate change denying idiots, aren’t we lucky, NOT!

  3. Harry Lime

    Given the first month of his tenuous tenure as first among the tattered remains of the Lying Nasty Party, they should already be suffering buyer’s remorse…if they have a collective brain between them,which is no certainty.Obviously Dutton must have missed the election and the messages the result sent,or he’s still living in the heady days of the Mad Monk’s ascension, thinking he can reprise that act and get a different result.If the trash media reckon they can give this ghoul a new paint job and a push start,they are fucking kidding themselves.Between himself,the moronic Littleproud and the brainless elastic mouthed deputy,they are fucked six ways from Sunday.It’s no coincidence that Cuddly Pete’s head is shaped like a policeman’s helmet of the London 60’s.

  4. Henry Rodrigues

    Dickhead Dutton has the full and whole hearted support of the crinkled old scroat, so what else is new. Not that the scroat is going to live forever, despite Viagra and the superhuman but very expensive efforts, of the Harley street doctors.

    Even the foolish Jerry Hall has finally had enough of the smelly old bastard who spends time in her bed, soiling it uncontrollably, desperately trying to raise up his limp little friend with the aid of medications, to hold her affections forever, until death do them part. Besides, there must be a big payday in the offing and she’d rather have it now while she can still strut around.

  5. Terence Mills

    I didn’t read any of this in The Australian !

  6. Cool Pete

    Hopefully, Potty Boy won’t be leader of the opposition in three years. And only No Cred could have smiled with any satisfaction at the idiocy of his comment that it was to make life difficult for the government. After all, it was her front man who did that under her control.

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