Ok, in case you missed it this is compulsory viewing for anyone who still thinks that Tony Abbott was the most out of touch PM we’ve ever had:
— Sky News Australia (@SkyNewsAust) December 20, 2018
Of course, it’s not the army that needs this analogy. Morrison would be better off explaining to his own MPs the recipe that’s been plaguing them lately.
ROSSLEIGH’S RECIPE FOR DISASTER
- You start with your oil-ection.
- After your oil-election you select your front bench, adding your quota of National Party ministers and a couple of women to break up the ties in the photo a bit.
- When you’ve got it nicely simmering and you’ve make sure that you have enough nuts in the mix, you carefully insist that you have the recipe for jobs and growth but that today you’re actually making a curry.
- You then take the energy prices and announce that you have a special knife for cutting them. After gesturing in the general direction of said tool, you carefully put the energy prices to one side.
- After announcing that Turnbull is an important ingredient for the dish, you wait a few moments then move him over to the side with the energy prices.
- You respond to any suggestion that there are too many nuts in the mix, by telling people that in the good old days, there were twice the number and that was when everything was perfect and we didn’t have Labor chefs messing things up.
- When you discover that there is a Phelps in the mix, you immediately want to know where the Turnbull went because he was supposed to be there to prevent that happening.
- This is the most difficult part of the recipe. You take a couple of volatile backbenchers and make them “special” envoys. If you don’t handle them carefully, they’ll make a lot of noise and this will have the effect of causing the nervous marginals in the souffle to collapse and spread everywhere.
- Assuming you have added the volatiles safely, you can then reassure everyone that the Phelps won’t make that much of a difference because she’ll only be there for a short and you’ll remove her as soon as it’s possible to do so.
- You agree to add almost anything that Bill Shorten suggests, before telling everyone that this would just ruin the recipe. You then chuck in a few stale bits and pieces lent to you from a Fish and Chip shop owner in Queensland.
- You say, “Fair go” and “Fair dinkum” a lot. You complain that Labor is not allowed to talk about fairness because it’s class warfare.
- You add more oil. Then more oil. Then coal. Lots and lots of coal.
- You stir frantically.
- You tell everyone that the dish is just about perfect now.
- You repeat it’s a real achievement.
- You announce that it won’t be completely ready to eat until after the election.
- You then take the nervous marginal MPs and feed them to the wolves.
Yes, it seems that I have the necessary skill set to be Prime Minister…
Maybe not enough skills to be a chef, but leader of the country, no worries!
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