An hour a day keeps the doctor away!
‘First of all can I… can I say in my defence…’ as we announce the numbers on the NSW bingo scorecard, here’s what we can do today (complete with behind the scenes extrusive thoughts).
‘Hello everyone (Gladys glances around with a poodle grin and lollipop eyes, followed by an anticipatory heavy pause). Sorry no Pfizer this week (gotchya moment). So please please stay at home unless you have an elite get out of jail free card – But please be aware we only issue them to uniform on horseback (momentary pause for private thought bubble of a few Liberal cabinet ministers floats off and bursts backstage), and yes we will be covering the surrounding regional areas outside metropolitan Sydney, where I can confirm the good news, they have no signs of outbreak yet, but we love locking them up too (FFS if Sydney goes down, so will the neighbours, think big, big bubble, other States too, but we will hide that thought from view). We have a very mobile population you know and that is why we are asking everyone to stay at home. More good news, we are extending the lockdown to the 30th (can’t believe I said that) for two more weeks to keep you safe and I and the treasurer have fought so hard for these very generous business packages (fake subscript: Josh and Scotty, so very hard to do a deal with, hidden smirk of sarcasm, even when there are no Labor Premiers in the room, elephants included with a snip of random association to paint the picture blue) – Treat yourselves, see it as a holiday, our gift to you’, says Gladys.
‘Can I say, thank you to all you suckers, we have your backs, the Commissioner and I (lollipop Gladys, now stop that! This isn’t helping). We have the best horse riders in the country, the best men and women in uniform, best roads for them to ride on (not to mention those wonderful tolls inner city, out west and southwest on the King’s Highway, along with stamp duty and land tax), and the very best boots and batons to chase you down (private thought passes, hmm.. this is getting a little confusing). Let’s be clear, we have the best doctors, health advice and business recovery packages a loyalist Liberal can buy, and we are the premier State, premier State (repeat that thought) for getting a vaccine into your arm sometime soon, so please please stay at home, breathe easy and we will get through this together. I cannot stress how important it is for you to stay glued to your commercial TV (we love adverts, campaigns too) with your microwave popcorn, so we can continue our show live – The very best show the world can offer (Foxtel shaking in its boots, Sky News and 2GB spitting on over cooked chips to silent listeners on empty rim of the Pacific Ocean). We are the best at this, locking people up (not down, which I meant to say) without vaccination is our business, we’ve been doing it since the arrival of Captain Cook (fuck, that was Morrison’s line). Can I assure you we know what is best for you, your home is the safest place and we are deeply deeply grateful for all you fabulous listeners out there (turds high in the sky), this is our best defence (image of a major general stepping out of a cigar box, or was it a commander from an Austro-French submarine, hell it looks like my ex-boyfriend… you really can’t make up this shite, please leave my accent out of this)’, thinks Gladys.
… and the questions keep coming from the media crowd, the journalists with their box office ring seats and soulless questions, to fill the hour with hot unending government advice and wisdom. Ping to the left, pong to the right, ping pong (is there anyone out there who hasn’t asked a question yet, did I just think that), ‘I’ll take one last question’ (and add for good measure) ‘And can I… can I say based on the very best medical and heath advice in the world today…’ Health Minister nods passively against the background wallpaper of the Waratah flower, ‘an hour a day, what a treat, can I say keeps the doctor away… so please be patient, thank you all for coming’ (pesky little mongrels). And that’s where we will leave you except for all our Sydney viewers (‘cos we’d love to go over it all again and again), from the ABC.
Back stage – Gladys turns to Arthur, flutters her eyelids in dark tones of mascara and a shy but very private smile, ‘Is this enough to get us through to the next election?’ (Champagne sounds nice) ‘Shall we do lunch?’ But the reply was coy and compliant, silent as a pimple on a judge’s cheek.
‘There’s a bug in my microphone,’ claims an anonymous reporter from News Corp, ‘God must be on her side since she ditched the last one.’ (News Corp subscript: Morrison’s lines are highly infectious, but we have a few more thought bubbles and announcements to report, and a cure for that one in our entertaining puns, slogans and sensational headlines, just to steer everyone off the scent, which we do so well). Well let’s face it, we hear nothing from NSW Labor anyway (fancy that, we love their scandals). Seems like the mainstream media and god have stitched that one up too (just like the cruise ships). ‘Shut the fuck up’, says the Health Minister with an irritable swagger uninvited (I’ll get my own lunch then).
City Bay, Bondi Daily lookout there’s a turd in my eye and the Willoughby Courier beat the pants off the Daily Telegraph and Australian for our virtual reality show, satire, fascination, insight and entertaining value added, prefabricated news (Trump’s never heard of us). And let’s be clear, we need to ensure our young Liberal supporters are safe and have had the very best jab money can buy from our government muzzled like a dead public anchovy NSW Health Service; because everyone else under 40, the best thing you can do, if you don’t have symptoms is stay at home (anchovies included). ‘I cannot stress how important it is to stay at home, that is the recommendation, do not go out unless you really have to’ (but I can’t remember if Gladys said that or the Health Minister in answer to the one and only question he stepped up to the microphone for and removed his free NSW Health mask the police have been handing out in the streets of Fairfield and Southwest Sydney… Yes I hear you, that was without the penalty notice of course – Go home). ‘And I just want to say, if you have any more questions, please go to Service NSW (to get all that wonderful information and a whole heap more, Gladys did float that one for sure) – Camera, lights, curtains.
Do not be fooled – Behind the scenes, behind that lollipop face of hers you can be sure is another Liberal triple test vaccine ice cream rant and can I at 11 o’clock – Coming to you live tomorrow from the ABC and any other channel you believe in (if you want to watch the mighty riveting band-aid advert and masterly performance of breathless woman in a public hospital 101 times – Did that come with subtitles in a foreign language for the people of Southwest Sydney?)… (Got it) she replies in dutiful belligerent thought (I can).
An hour a day keeps the doctor away, and the exposure piss poor is better than none at all. Berejiklian’s name in fading purple lights on the 2023 ballot paper (yes that long hence), take note for all of Morrison’s lies, gaslighting and turds in the sky, ‘Can I… can I say, I think this one’s a wrap in wholesome gospel brown Christmas paper’ (I wish) says a voice in the crowd (which way?)
‘Okay, so what’s Dan thinking right now, Gladys? (Fly on the wall, flies undone, bugger the lies and hypocrisy, that stream of consciousness burns a hole right through them. Shame so many Sydney voters won’t notice despite her predictable bombshells and eyelashes hanging from their living room walls)… ‘Incoming at 11 o’clock!’
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