“Gidday, Bruce, what ya drinking?”
“Thanks, Baz, I’ll have another beer.”
“Two beers, please. So have you decided who to vote for yet?”
“Yep, it was a hard choice, but I read this article in the paper which suggested that I should vote for Malcolm and it made a lot of sense…”
“You read an article in the paper?”
“Yeah, someone left their paper in the loo and I was there for a while and I’d read all the sport.”
“So why did it think that you should support Turnbull?”
“Well, it made the point that he was a successful businessman whereas Shorten had just been a union man.”
“Why does that mean that Turnbull would be a better PM?”
“Obviously someone who knows how to make money is much better at running the country than someone who’s just been organising a union.”
“Right… Hey, you know who I think’d make a great Prime Minister? Shane Warne!”
“Shane Warne? How do you figure that?”
“Well, he’s made heaps of money and not only that, he could manage his own spin.”
“Nah, you’re missing the point. It’s not just about making money… It’s about making money as a businessman… Just making money doesn’t qualify you to run the company.”
“Oh, why not?”
“Well, if that was the case, then you could argue that someone who won a big Tattslotto jackpot would make a good leader.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“It has to be someone who’s shown business acumen. That way they can use the skills that helped them make money to run the country and pretty soon we’ll be back to making a profit again.”
“So it can’t be someone like Shane Warne, it has to be someone like Donald Trump!”
“That’s right.”
“Ok, so if making money makes you a good PM, why didn’t the Liberals ask Clive Palmer to be PM?”
“Why would they?”
“Well he’s got loads more money than Turnbull and therefore he’d be a much better PM and they wouldn’t have to worry about Turnbull’s left wing tendencies.”
“What left wing tendencies?”
“You know, how Turnbull supports gay marriage and climate action and a republic and various other left wing causes.”
“Ah but that’s where you wrong. You see these things aren’t left wing, they’re actually popular. If you think about it, they’re all things that the majority actually support. Look at the polls. Turnbull’s just jumped on the bandwagon as a marketing technique. Quite clever really. I mean, he doesn’t support any left wing causes that don’t enjoy popularity amongst mainstream Australia. And now that he’s PM, he doesn’t support any of these things any more, because there’s only one poll he really cares about.”
“The one on election day?”
“No the one in the party room that determines who leads the Liberal Party.”
“I see… So what’s he doing to ensure we make a profit?”
“Simple. He’s ensuring that we don’t invest in non-profitable things like healthcare and education. I mean, when was the last time you heard of a government school making a profit?”
“I didn’t think that the purpose of schools was to make a profit.”
“Of course it is. That’s why we exist, isn’t it?”
“Well, I didn’t have kids with the idea of making a profit.”
“Ah but that’s the difference between you and a businessman. They’d have worked out whether kids could be used to help them shift tax and if they couldn’t, well, there’d be no point in having them.”
“What if they already had kids?”
“Yeah, unfortunately the laws in the country prevent selling kids, so they’re stuck with that unprofitable drag on their finances.”
“But what if they actually love their kids?”
“That’s the sort of sentimentality that’s got the country into the mess it’s in. There’s no place for personal feelings when you’re running a business and the same goes for a country. If only people could be persuaded to run their families with the same sort of hard-headed logic that’s enabled the Liberals to get the country back on track.”
“But I thought that the Budget was still in deficit.”
“Yes, but it’s a lot less than it would be if Labor were still in power because they do things like try to pay for visits to the doctor which just keeps a lot of poor people alive.”
“I see. But you still haven’t answered my question about Clive Palmer. Why didn’t the Liberals ask him to be PM if making money’s a criteria.”
“Um.. I… Well, he was in a different party.”
“But surely they should appoint the best qualified person.”
“Look, this is too complicated for you to understand. Just get me another beer…”
“But I got the last one…”
“Yes, well, I’m trying to live within my means, and I’ve realised that if I make other people pay for things then it improves my bottom line. It’s a little idea I got from the Liberal Party.”
“Sort of like the way they’re trying to shift health spending from Medicare to individuals so that they can give tax cuts to mums and dads who own companies.”
“Exactly! And by you spending your money, then I have more money and I’m liable to spend it and that’ll lead to more economic activity and give the government more revenue and you’ll get the benefit when it trickles down.”
“Well, why didn’t you say so. I’d be happy to buy you a beer if it helps improve the finances of the country.”
“Hurry up! And don’t forget to thank me for the jobs I’m creating.”

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