Growing up can be fun.
As a growing boy, the adventures get bigger as bodies grow, new skills are learned, kicking a football around, hitting a cricket ball over the fence, swimming, learning to surf, all coached by a loving father. Or so the fable of growing up plays out.
But then we listen to Harry Chapin sing ‘Cat’s in the cradle’. The story, from the father’s perspective of missing his son growing up. The missed opportunities to connect, to be a part of the child’s growing adventures.
The cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
“When you coming home dad?” “I don’t know when”
But we’ll get together then
You know we’ll have a good time then.
The father’s role is important in a child’s life, especially in a growing boy’s life. The opportunity to share in the passion for sport, to discuss the intricacies of life, to gaze out at the Milky Way on camping trips to see the vastness of the universe, to catch the first fish.
Father and son connections are important parts of family life, and important part of growing up. But when those connections are not made, are not cemented into the relationship the passing on of values and ethics are also missed. The disciplines of working through the pains of growing up, adjusting to an understanding of a sexual awakening, the ability to, if not talk through, at least allude to the changes which are happening... remember the ‘birds and the bees’ chats we had growing up?
Awkward, yes, funny, yes, thought provoking, absolutely, especially growing in a family where there were brothers and sisters.
The idyllic dream of family life, but as the chorus of ‘Cat’s in the cradle’ points out, not all families are raised with such a supportive, available father figure in a stable family environment. One wonders whether it was ever such, except in the fantasy marketing world promoting the nuclear family in the pages of The Australian Women’s Weekly of the 1950s. Similar magazines appeared throughout the ‘developed’ world, I remember my mother subscribing to the Dutch version, a magazine I think called ‘Marion’ or something like that. (We immigrated to Australia in the 1950s, from The Netherlands, and the magazine was an eagerly anticipated reminder of ‘home’ for my mother.)
Family life growing up was different than it is today. The financial pressures of needing two incomes, taking time away from the nurturing and development of children, the family meals around the dining room table seem to have disappeared, and those times, growing up were so important in the life of the family.
I recall discussions on creation versus evolution, the ethical questions raised with the advent of the contraceptive pill, rock’n’roll music, and many other topics with the freedom to express and develop opinions. But seemingly silent, invisible, but definitely present, ethical and moral boundaries were established as rules for living which centred on respect and respectfulness. The family forum around the dining room table was an important part growing up, and equally important for my parents to understand where the kids were coming from and going to. They were pre-television days, and when the television did arrive, the times for watching were restricted to ensure that family meal times remained sacrosanct.
Screens, whether tv, computers, iPads or phones are ubiquitous today, and family discussions may well be conducted through text messages rather than face to face, and the familial connections appear looser than ever with pressures of work, whether it be shift work or FIFO, or business travel and meetings, and so connections which influence thinking, especially in the domains of ethics and morality are sought through influencers and podcast heroes. For some, the easy access to pornography and misogynistic sites is bringing about some pretty scary stuff.
In the last few weeks some male students at a school in Victoria used a spreadsheet format to rank female students by their sexual desirability, and the spreadsheet found its way through the student body creating sniggers and commentary demeaning to those listed. And immeasurable hurt to the girls listed.
Not to be outdone, a young female teacher from another school had her photo manipulated to show her naked on messages which circulated through the student body.
And the challenge was laid down to do better. Female students from a Bacchus Marsh college had their Facebook photos modified using IT and the newly minted fake pornographic images of the girls circulated to the delight of many a young man while the girls are objectified and sorely embarrassed. More than embarrassed, the cruelty of such behaviour has a deep psychological impact on the victims, they have been demeaned, stripped of their personhood, and just projected as commodities.
It seems there are no longer boundaries.
Boys have always been boys, yes, and despite my family life, at school, we did look the girls up and down and make the odd comment, boys will be boys and growing up has its challenges, but there were limits to where we would go in ‘objectifying’, the closest we got to pornography was a copy of Playboy, (The Playboy magazine in question caused quite a stir when one of my classmates pinned a Smirnoff vodka advert up on the class noticeboard, the principal happened to come into the class during that period, saw the ad and in disgust tore it from the noticeboard and as is wafted to the floor it settled with the Playboy cover staring up at him. He was, for the first time, speechless). There was an underlying respect. We were never too embarrassed to speak to our parents about the girls we talked to or talked about. And the same within my family as my children were growing up. The open forum between children and parents was an important part of family life. The silent, invisible ethical and moral boundaries remained intact.
On the matter of the Playboy cover, it did come up as a talking point at the dinner table and caused disciplinary action from my father, and my friend’s father. Importantly, none of girls at the school were seen on that cover and it was very quickly removed, never to be seen again. What was witnessed in the incidents in the Victorian schools was that REAL people were objectified and presented as pornography without their knowledge or consent. The Playboy model knew what was happening and was paid a modelling fee. She was also an adult, willingly participating in the photo shoot. That is in no way excusing our behaviour, and the discipline was a just consequence. (It included a meeting with the parents and principal.)
I guess my question is where were the fathers of the boys who thought it was a good idea to so insult their female fellow students? Where is the leadership of fathers in raising those sons?
The only bit if this which is new is technology, the easy access to pornographic images and the ease of manipulating the images, but in one way or another the attitude toward women and girls has always been there, but that does not excuse it. I recall when he was a student, a lawyer who edited the student magazine at the university he attended published his description of the ‘perfect wife’ citing height, weight and breast size. He later, in dismissing a teenage lover, described her as being almost perfect, but lacking in the last descriptor as being the reason for not continuing their relationship.
I don’t think that man is alone in his attitude and the way relationships have gone.
Boys will be boys... really?
The role model of a father is an important factor for boys growing up, and as the father in the song says, as he tries to reach out to his now grown son who is too busy to make time for his dad:
And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He’d grown up just like me
My boy was just like me.
Is that an excuse for their bad behaviour?
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“Boys will be boys”
Actually, if you socialise male children the same way you socialise female children, there would be a lot less of that sort of being boys. Teach them respect and consideration and empathy right from the get-go, with no concessions for “being boys”. Make them grow up at the same rate female children are expected to. Turn them into decent human beings ratther than constantly making excuses about biology tthat have no real scientific basis.
Yes, I agree leefe, but we have a huge absent father issue today, broken families, single parent households, FIFO working and financial pressures which make home life stressed in many cases.
The virtually undisciplined screen time can make ‘influencers’ more significant than parents.
Again, I don’t know the answers, merely raise questions, but the sorts of things that happen have always been around but seem to be more destructive, more dangerous with the ubiquity of an uncensored means of social communication, tiktok, X Facebook and so forth.
As with so many social issues, legislation is not the answer, education is, but not just formal education, from the cradle education with strong family ethos building.
I had an interesting discussion on Saturday with a lady who has worked in the Domestic Violence area for 17 years.
Frustratingly for her, the same stuff is presented day in day out. There was one politician mentioned, he as Mayor of a West Australian city was instrumental in cutting council funding for a women’s refuge centre, pushing the funding to the state government. Interestingly, he is candidate for the Libs in the upcoming election. He is also reputed to like snorting a white powder frequently…. Icing sugar maybe?
As a radio ‘shock jock’, he has told some pretty awful jokes about women…. and has been pulled into line on several occasions since becoming the Mayor. Is that the leadership we want? I certainly don’t think so, especially if as is rumoured, he cannot live within the bounds of existing legislation/laws.
Trying hard not to open myself for a libel suit, so no names and I am relating a conversation regarding rumours as rumours rather than proven facts.
Thank you Bert for a stimulating essay.
When reading it I was reminded that my father had little idea of how to be a father himself.
That’s not a criticism, but rather an observation over my early years.
Dad was a good provider and in his own way I think he genuinely liked Mum.
But as for being a dad, no. He’d not been shown how – his own father shot through early and his siblings developed their own idiosyncratic ways – a cause of much wonder to a young soul.
As you know all too well Bert, there’s no training manual on how to be a dad; there’s no set of instructions, and as far as I know, there’s no formal “educational module” available to students at any level on what being a dad might mean – or being a competent parent for that matter.
It really is tempting to suggest that there ought to be a license to breed – but that of course raises a whole heap of questions, and for some it would be a short step to eugenics.