By Ken Wolff

[Editor’s note: the use of ‘septic’ in this article is from the rhyming slang – ‘septic tank’ rhymes with ‘Yank’, so ‘septic’ equals ‘Yank’].

G’day ev’ryone. Welcome back to the barbie. The big news of the year has been elections, both here in Oz an’ in septic-land.

I’ve been a bit quiet since the election ‘cause, after all, the result was a bit hard to take (an’ it was a bit cool an’ wet for a barbie for a while). Mal scraped in by a seat an’ really spat the dummy in his election night victory speech. It wasn’t really a victory at the time, ’though he claimed it was. Victory speeches are meant to be mag … magnamus … gracious, but not Mal. He couldn’t understand how he almost lost. All the gloss an’ glitter, an’ the smile, were gone an’ he didn’t seem to know why.

He blamed Labor lies about Medicare. I hate to tell ya Mal but they weren’t lies. You didn’t even call ’em lies until half-way through the campaign – an’ it was a long campaign that bored us sh*tless. You fin’lly had to say you wouldn’t privatise Medicare but ya took a bloody long time to say it! An’ you couldn’t deny you’d frozen the Medicare rebate – right through till 2020. You reckoned you were lookin’ after Medicare but if freezin’ the rebate isn’t a threat to Medicare, I’m not sure what is.

But let’s go back a bit. Early in the year poor Mal an’ his mob were lookin’ pretty perplexed. His mob couldn’t understand how their great white hope had become an albatross ’round their necks. Then Mal had a brilliant idea. He’d recall parliament to vote on that thing about the construction industry watchdog. What a joke that is! If he really thinks there’s corruption in the buildin’ industry, why doesn’t he go after the buildin’ companies? No, it’s the CFMEU his mob is after. Can’t have a strong union tryin’ to save workers’ lives! More than a hundred poor buggers die on construction sites ev’ry year. Imagine if a hundred pollies were dyin’ at work ev’ry year – they’d soon do somethin’ about that, wouldn’ they! Yeh, all right, like some of me laughin’ mates here, you prob’ly think a hundred pollies dyin’ ev’ry year ’ud be a good thing – no-one ’ud miss ’em, right? – but I won’t get side-tracked about that.

Anyway, then he does the double dissolution thing. He thought he’d get rid of people like the Motorists Party and Palmer’s mob. He got rid of them all right but even the blokes an’ sheilas ’round me barbie could’ve told him a full Senate election ’ud lead to more dingbats in the Senate, not less. Too smart by half, poor Mal!

Look what he got instead. The Ranga Redneck made a comeback and got three of her mates with her. What a rabble! One of ‘em thinks climate change is crap, all a plot by scientists – the only thing I’ll say in ’is favour is he’s bonkers enough to put his silly ideas out there. Then there’s the one who nicked the car keys an’ writes funny – as in strange – letters to magistrates. The Ranga Redneck had to remind him that it’s not jus’ the One Nation Party but Pauline Hanson’s One Nation Party – she’s the boss! They make Ricky-the-car-nut an’ Glenn-the-brick-bookend look like Einstein.

An’ for the election, Mal had his great slogan – jobs an’ growth. What about jobs an’ growth? – nothin’. Jus’ jobs an’ growth. No plan. No ideas. Did he think jobs an’ growth ’ud magic’ly spring outa the ground jus’ ’cause he kept sayin’ it? It certainly seemed like it. After all, he was the god who’d saved the Liberal mob an’ things should happen just at ‘His Word’: an’ Mal said, ‘let there be jobs’ an’ there was … sweet fanny adams.

He might’ve won the election but you wouldn’t think so. His mob ’ave done bugger all since. They couldn’t organise a chook raffle in a pub. (I did think of another comparison involvin’ a brothel but I can’t use that at a family barbie.) They managed to lose a coupla votes ’cause some of ’em ’ad gone home. They even managed to support a vote that they were useless – which was fair enough when ya think about it but not a good look. An’ at the end of the year, look at the shemozzle they got into with the backpacker tax. 32.5%, 19%, 15%, 10.5%, 13%. Anyone else wanna make a bid? The hammer goes down on 15%! – only ’cause ol’ Ricky-of-christmas did a deal for the Greens, p’rhaps ’cause christmas was comin’. He wanted to play Santa to the farmers who norm’ly aren’t too keen on the Greens.

Mal an’ his mob had a bit of a setback when the PNG court blokes ruled we couldn’t keep the poor buggers on Manus Island any more. They fin’lly announced that they think they’ve done a deal with the septics to take ’em but we’ll hafta wait an’ see. An’ after doin’ that, they’ve sent Oz’s biggest peace time flotilla up north to stop more boats comin’. The blokes sellin’ boat places to Oz will obviously be tellin’ the customers that now you can get sent to septic-land – what a bonanza that is for ’em! An’ the government knows it. Why else send all the extra patrol boats.

An’ then there was the union stuff at the end o’ the year – the double dissolution stuff. First, Mal got the union regulation law through the Senate but have a look at how he did it. He had to get the Xylophone an’ the Beard-with-a-mouth on-side, an’ to do that he gave ’em more protection for whistleblowers. Wha’do ya reckon? – are there more whistleblowers or more unionists who need protectin’? I think you know the answer. One good thing may come of it though when it comes back to bite ‘em on the bum – ’cause one day someone’ll blow the whistle on one of their big corporate mates or even, with a bit o’ luck, on the Libs ’emselves. That’ll be worth waitin’ for.

Then they got the construction watchdog up as well at the las’ minute. Even more giveaways than a teevee show to do that one an’ whether it’ll still be able to bark is anyone’s guess. I’ll admit a coupla things the Xylophone got for his vote aren’t too bad. There’s s’posed to be more gov’ment work for Oz companies an’ they won’t get the work if they don’t pay their subbies on time. A few of me mates like that idea but wish it applied to all buildin’ companies. Was it worth it jus’ to get the watchdog in place? Mal obviously thought so. I think he even managed a smile again an’ reckoned it showed how well he was governin’ – ya reckon? In December we got the news that our economy has gone backwards – that’s good gov’ment for ya! So much for Mal’s great economic plan – you know the one – Mal’s imagin’ry friend.

But you hafta wonder who’s really runnin’ the show? The big St Bernardi barks an’ Mal jumps to attention: eyes Right; by the Right flank turn; yes, sir! Not the Mal people thought they were gettin’ an’ so his popularity has gone down the plug hole.

Of course ol’ pommy Tones is still hangin’ about, snipin’ from the sidelines, tellin’ all an’ sundry he’s still ready for the top job. If you think that could never happen, look at what happened in septic-land. If Trump can get elected there, don’t rule out Tones becomin’ PM again. If we get Tones back, would we also get Credlin back? That’s somethin’ to think about!

That gets me to the septic election. (Nice how I did that, ay?) How did Trump win? The views ’round me barbie are mixed but gen’rally we think the poor ol’ septics had Hobson’s choice – a ranting idiot or a sheila with so much baggage she was lucky she was still standin’ up under the weight. An’ Trump’s as silly as the Ranga Redneck’s mate. He reckons climate change is a Chinese plot. I’d like to see the two of ’em together on Q&A to argue that out – whose plot is sillier, yours or mine?

Me an’ me mates don’t agree with most of what Trump said but he obviously pushed some buttons for the septics – ’specially the white workers, the ones who lived in places where jobs were becomin’ as hard to find as rockin’-horse sh*t. He reckoned he can help ’em but whether he can’ill be another story.

After all the rantin’ an’ bulldust he went on with during their election, I was a bit shocked to hear his victory speech. (You know what I mean by ‘bulldust’ but after the rockin’-horse one me missus jus’ told me I can’t say that again while the nippers are still runnin’ about.) Mal could’ve taken a lesson from ’im. Think about it. Trump rants an’ carries on all through the election then gives a gracious victory speech. Mal is gracious an’ calm for most o’ the election then rants an’ raves in his victory speech. A nice pair o’ polar opposites there. Which approach would you prefer? Prob’ly neither of ’em. Why can’t politicians jus’ be honest? We know most of ’em couldn’t lie straight in bed.

That was one of Hill’ry’s problems apparently. Too many people jus’ didn’t believe her. But they thought the Donald was tellin’ it like it is. I think that jus’ means the septics are gullible but leavin’ that aside, since he was elected he’s been backtrackin’ a bit on some o’ the things he promised. Does that make him jus’ like all the other pollies? – say an’ do anything to get elected an’ then forget most of what they said – an’ yet he was the one sayin’ he wasn’t like other pollies.

Even the deal Mal thinks he’s done on the poor buggers we’ve got on Manus and Nauru could come unstuck with the Donald as president. Him an’ his supporters aren’t too keen on migrants, ’specially Muslim ones.

The Donald promised so much bigoted stuff he’ll put half of septic-land off-side if he carries through. He was so bigoted in his statements that Brandis would’ve been proud. I thought I was bigoted but I’m an amate’r compared to him.

I think the septics are between a rock an’ a hard place. If the Donald delivers what he promised, they’re in for a rough ride. An’ if he doesn’t, it’ll also be a rough ride ‘cause some of his supporters won’t take a lack of action lyin’ down. An’ when ya think about how many crazy septics have got guns an’ how many of the crazies supported the Donald … no, that doesn’t bear thinkin’ about …

The problem is some o’ the problems won’t jus’ stay in septic-land. Many of the Donald’s promises will affect the rest of us ’round the world – it won’t jus’ be the septics gettin’ the rough end o’ the pineapple. If he upsets the Chinese the way he’s promisin’ to do, Oz will get dragged under in the backwash. Here at me barbie, we’re hopin’ he doesn’t carry out ev’ry promise. Not somethin’ you usu’lly think about a polly. Most o’ the time, we wish they’d keep their promises – but not this time!

I s’pose we could say that, at least here in Oz, Mal didn’t make many promises to keep so we can’t be disappointed. An’ even some he did make are gettin’ changed a lot by the Senate – which is mostly a good thing. You might say we almost got the election right. Mal might’ve scraped in by the skin of his teeth but we gave him a parliament that really ties up what he can do.

The septics gave the Donald’s mob control of both their houses of parliament – whatever they call ’em. We know what happens when that happens. We saw it here in Oz when Little Johnny controlled both houses in our parliament. Not a pretty sight for workin’ people. So, if the Donald really wants to change things in septic-land, he prob’ly can. The septics don’t seem to think about that balance like we do. I dunno why. I don’t pretend to understand septics. Some of ’em are nice people but … Well, I’ll say it. In my bigoted view they can be a bit stupid at times.

An’ there was one big difference ’tween the two elections that I’ll say somethin’ about. The passion! Look at the septics an’ the bloody rallies they have. Thousands of ’em screamin’ out for their candidate. An’ then they had those big demonstrations about ‘not my president’. They can be passionate about their elections. On the other hand they don’t hafta vote unless they feel like it. Only half of ’em bothered to. P’rhaps with the Hobson’s choice they had, that’s understandable. So you’ve got half not botherin’, an’ half so passionate. Not a good thing!

Look at Oz. No big rallies – unless ya count those stage-managed election launch things for the party insiders an’ they’re really jus’ done for the telly. People standin’ on street corners handin’ out flyers for the local candidate, includin’ the local candidate. The image of Tones handin’ out flyers on Manly wharf on a rainy day I thought was a classic. People only votin’ ’cause they have to – but mostly ’ud rather be doin’ somethin’ else. An’ when we do get to the polling booth we have a sausage sanger. Very calm and lay-back. Which would you prefer? Me an’ me mates are quite happy with the way we do our elections. We don’t want people rantin’ ev’ry five minutes, stirrin’ up passions ya can’t put back in the bottle. A few years ago at one of me barbies, me an’ me mates decided we could solve the world’s problems – as ya do after a few beers. The answer? Export Oz beer an’ meat pies to the world so that ev’ryone becomes as apathetic as us. Passion is the killer. Passion for a cause or a political party leads to wars an’ riots. Sit back. Have a beer an’ a pie an’ chill out. That’s the Oz way. Pity the rest of the world hasn’t caught on.

Well, that’s me for the year. The best to all of you an’ your families from me an’ mine for the festive season. An’ hope you have a great festive barbie.

What do you think?

Has the barbie bigot captured the essence of the political year?