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The barbie bigot is back: on Turnbull

By Ken Wolff

I previously took Brandis’s advice that we have a right to be a bigot an’ had a go at our last PM, pommy Tones, an’ said I was willing to refund his £10 to send him back to pommy-land, ‘specially if we could spare an orange life boat for him. Now I wanna ‘ave a word or two about the new PM, this Mal bloke.

First, what did they think they were doin’, that Liberal mob? They spent years havin’ a go at Labor for changin’ leaders so often, so they decide to do it themselves. Not actually a smart move if you think about it. But I s’pose they think the average punter will ‘ave forgotten all that crap they went on with. Some may have but not the blokes an’ sheilas around my barbie.

An’ then what did they do? They went back to someone they’d elected leader before. Sounds a bit like Rudd revisited doesn’t it? No, you’re not supposed to remember that. Actually, he was less of a success than Rudd the first time ‘round. But that’s another thing you’re not supposed to remember. Nor Godwin Gretch — who remembers that name? All the hands around my barbie went up. What about around yours?

Poor old Tones never seemed to get past his pommy past, what with bringin’ back knights an’ dames an’ givin’ old Phillip a knighthood that he didn’t know what to do with — couldn’t fit another medal on his chest! Now we have Mal who can’t get beyond his business past. He’s been all sorts of things. So many I can’t remember them all but I do know he made squillions from some of them.

Have you seen his place at Point Piper in Sydney? A bloody mansion an’ right on the harbour! I’m surprised he moved into The Lodge in Canberra — it’s a bit of a come down for him an’ his missus. If he likes, while he’s in Canberra, me, the missus an’ the kids, an’ a few of me mates an’ their families, would be happy to move in an’ look after it for him. It looks big enough for a few of us. An’ the barbies would be great lookin’ across the harbour. Yeh, I promise we’ll be careful to pick up the empties.

It must be worth a motsa. I‘d be lucky to afford one room an’ I bet it’s worth more than I’ll earn in me whole life.

Does that qualify him to be a good PM? Some posh bloke said you need someone who’s been successful in business ‘cause they know how to make Oz successful — you reckon? Doesn’t makin’ Oz successful also include the rest of us, includin’ me an’ me mates here at the barbie? What’s he doin’ for us? Does he even know what we’re on about? I’m not so sure he does.

Have a look at what he says about housing. It’s getting bloody hard for the kids to buy their own place — I can only hope it improves a bit before my kids are old enough. But what does Mal reckon? He reckons me an’ the missus should invest in a house or two for the kids. What with! — the spare change after buyin’ the food, payin’ the bills, buyin’ the petrol, payin’ for child care. It would take me 20 years to save one deposit, let alone two (or three, as I’ve got three kids). But I’m supposed to negatively gear them. Apparently if I negatively gear one then I’ll ‘ave enough to buy the second one, an’ when I’ve negatively geared both, I can afford a third. Pull the other one! I don’t earn enough to negatively gear one. Doesn’t he understand that negative gearing means I’m makin’ a loss? I can’t afford to make a loss on anything without the kids or missus missin’ out on something.

Him an’ his Liberal mates are tellin’ us that $80,000 is an average wage. I wish! How can they understand how the other half live if that’s what they think. I could possibly push up towards that but only if I get something like 10 hours overtime an’ that’s every week —workin’ all day Saturday plus a bit on another day. Doesn’t really leave a lot of time for the family.

He’s makin’ a lot of noise about what he’s doin’ for businesses, ‘specially small businesses. He’s cuttin’ the tax rate by 1½ cents in the dollar. I’ve got a few mates who run their own show an’ there’s a couple here at the barbie. Do you wanna know what they think? They think it’s okay but it’s a pretty p*ss weak OK if you ask me. I mean they might have their own business but it’s not like they’re making millions. What they make is actually their income to support the family an’ they tell me they still hafta pay income tax on that. It might help ‘em a bit. Perhaps help pay for a little holiday — if they can get any time away from the business. That’s the biggest prob’ for blokes like me mates, the time it takes to run the business. Not just the time workin’, but all the paper work that has to be done afterwards — includin’ those BAS things — mostly at night when other blokes are playin’ with their kids. It’s not easy for ‘em. But Mal thinks they’re worth 1½ cents.

See, the problem, Mal, is you’re so outa touch that you don’t really have a clue. Your idea of a small business doesn’t really include blokes who are plumbers or plasterers runnin’ their own show — unless they’re employin’ another three or four blokes, or you’d prefer ten. But what if they’re on their own, as me mates are. A couple of ‘em do have an apprentice, but that’s all. What does Mal reckon they are? Businessmen or just blokes makin’ a crust as best they can? It’s not like they can just get on with the job on their own. The law says they hafta register as a business for tax — but they still can’t hide their money in the Cayman Islands! You think about it, Mal. They’re not really a business. They’re just blokes, an’ some sheilas (yeh, I’m not forgettin’ there’s now a lot of women tradies), doin’ their best. OK, Mal, do you finally get the message? Your view of a business is horsesh*t when it comes to me mates.

So it seems to us that what you’re really on about is big business. An’ to us ‘big’ business starts at a million or two, not ten million. Yet I read somewhere that there’s more than a million blokes an’ sheilas, like me mates, who work on their own as a ‘business’. What about them? All of them!

I think, like poor old pommy Tones, you need to give up this PM job. You’re so outa touch you just don’t understand how most of us live. The view across the harbour isn’t the view from my barbie.

You jus’ don’t seem to get it. You don’t get what it’s like earnin’ less than $80,000. You don’t get what it’s like for the blokes workin’ on their own — they’re only a ‘business’ ‘cause the tax office says they hafta be. Better you p*ssed off back to runnin’ your own businesses an’ puttin’ your money in those overseas places — wherever they are. Perhaps you should live there as well an’ leave us to get on with things — for all of us! I think you’d be happier doin’ that an’ livin’ with the other fat cats. Yeh, that’s a bigoted view but like I said, ever since Brandis gave me the green light, I can be a bigot.

What do you think?

Does the barbie bigot have it right?

Does he speak for the genuine small businesses?


This article was originally published on TPS Extra.




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  1. @RosemaryJ36

    Beautifully said!! Please share this with all your mates!

  2. Gangey1959

    I reckon you just about nailed it Ken. Our bright and shny (new?) pm hasn’t a damn clue. About anything.
    Wasn’t Godwin Gretch one of the baddies that got blown up in the final 2 episodes of Hairy Plotter for working for lord voldemurdoch ?
    Have another coldie for me. And a burnt snag.
    Maybe you can throw the empties onto turdbott’s back lawn from a tinnie on your way past. I hear there’s a spare one up in Queensland somewhere that no-one needs. Just do it in the day time mate. The feds might there at night, but you’ll know if they are because the news crews will be with them.

  3. Geoff Andrews

    Nah, I fink ya got it rong Gangey. I always thort thet Godwin Gretch was one of those trolls from Middle Earth in Lord of the Rings.Funny ‘ow we doan hear much about ‘im these days, eh?
    Probably gorn ta ground!
    Well, come on ya bastards – laugh: that’s supposed to be a joke!

  4. Ken Wolff

    thanks for the comments an’ welcome to the barbie. I’ll keep a few coldies and snags for ya.

    Gangey, I like the idea of takin’ a tinnie past Mal’s place and leavin’ a few empties.

  5. diannaart

    I am soooo impressed silver-tail Mal has realised small businesses actually exist, of course that meant extending the definition of small business by quite a few millions of $… but the thought was there…

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