In breaking news, the Treasurer, Mr Hockey announced the sale of Australia to China in a last ditch attempt to balance the Budget.
Speaking to a packed Press Club, he told the audience that this was the obvious course. “Really, I can see no other way of balancing the Budget and paying back Labor’s debt, and with our various free trade agreements, we’ve virtually lost sovereignty anyway, and clearly the Chinese will improve efficiency and productivity.”
Mr Hockey then produced a graph demonstrating that without the sale to China, our population would just keep ageing and healthcare and the pension would be unsustainable, but thanks to China’s takeover, we’d be adopting a version of their one child policy, the “one grandparent policy”.
“Of course, when I say ‘we’ I really mean them because, in line with our privatisation policy, they’ll be making all the laws now, which is another saving, as we won’t need a parliament.”
When someone questioned how selling the country to a communist government could be considered privatisation, Hockey became exasperated and asked if they were from the ABC, which had a fact check department which clearly demonstrated it’s hostility to the Liberals, because the facts were often biased against them.
“It’s a good deal,” insisted Hockey, “it’s a good deal. And I know that it is because I repeated myself, and whenever I repeat myself, that’s my way of adding additional evidence because it just shows how true what I’m saying is. It shows how true what I’m saying is. The facts are just likely to confuse most of you. Look, I have a graph and it shows numbers which mean that I’m an adult.”
At a doorstop interview, Tony Abbott responded to Mr Hockey’s announcement by saying that this was what his government had been working for ever since they gained office. “We got a really, really good price which will enable us to relocate all politicians to a country of their choice, so you won’t have to worry about how poorly governments run just about everything. If anyone still doubted that private industry doesn’t run things better than governments, I think that my time in office has certainly put that one to rest.”
When asked about what would happen to the general population, Mr Abbott said that they’d benefit from the sale through lower taxes, and the fact that they wouldn’t be responsible for Labor’s debt.
“In fact,” he stated, holding up a brochure, “the figures contained in this demonstrate that this deal will be worth at least $538 in savings to the average household. And we intend to make sure that every household is given one of these brochures even though the printing may take a large chunk out of the $538.”
When it was suggested that some people may not like living under Chinese rule, Abbott scoffed and said that this was just the sort of xenophobia that the unions were promoting by suggesting that there should be restrictions on 457 visas.
One reporter tried to suggest that people wouldn’t stand for living under such a repressive regime, where the government refused to release information and the Internet was under constant surveillance from the security agencies, but he was quickly shut down by Abbott who suggested that recent government decisions had made the whole deal more appealing to the Chinese. “Two years ago the Chinese would have been worried that Australians would never accept a totalitarian state, but we managed to show them exactly how little the average Australian fights back. Thanks to our brilliant sales strategy, you can look forward to living in country where you don’t have to worry about who to vote for. And if you still want to live in a democracy, you can take your $538 and move wherever you like.”
Mr Abbott then apologised and suggested that he’d be taking no further questions as his VIP jet was on standby to take him to official business in Las Vegas, and unfortunately he couldn’t tell us what the official business was, because what happens in Las Vegas, stays in Las Vegas, but he assured everyone that it wasn’t a book launch or a birthday party.
While Bronwyn Bishop announced that she’d been appointed as a judge and jury by the Chinese, and would therefore staying on, other unnamed Liberal sources named Bishop suggested that this was Abbott’s way of avoiding a leadership spill. Meanwhile. Turnbull said that he wouldn’t be challenging anything, on advice from Godwin Grech.
Christopher Pyne was fortunately unavailable for comment.