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Australia Sold To China!

In breaking news, the Treasurer, Mr Hockey announced the sale of Australia to China in a last ditch attempt to balance the Budget.

Speaking to a packed Press Club, he told the audience that this was the obvious course. “Really, I can see no other way of balancing the Budget and paying back Labor’s debt, and with our various free trade agreements, we’ve virtually lost sovereignty anyway, and clearly the Chinese will improve efficiency and productivity.”

Mr Hockey then produced a graph demonstrating that without the sale to China, our population would just keep ageing and healthcare and the pension would be unsustainable, but thanks to China’s takeover, we’d be adopting a version of their one child policy, the “one grandparent policy”.

“Of course, when I say ‘we’ I really mean them because, in line with our privatisation policy, they’ll be making all the laws now, which is another saving, as we won’t need a parliament.”

When someone questioned how selling the country to a communist government could be considered privatisation, Hockey became exasperated and asked if they were from the ABC, which had a fact check department which clearly demonstrated it’s hostility to the Liberals, because the facts were often biased against them.

“It’s a good deal,” insisted Hockey, “it’s a good deal. And I know that it is because I repeated myself, and whenever I repeat myself, that’s my way of adding additional evidence because it just shows how true what I’m saying is. It shows how true what I’m saying is. The facts are just likely to confuse most of you. Look, I have a graph and it shows numbers which mean that I’m an adult.”

At a doorstop interview, Tony Abbott responded to Mr Hockey’s announcement by saying that this was what his government had been working for ever since they gained office. “We got a really, really good price which will enable us to relocate all politicians to a country of their choice, so you won’t have to worry about how poorly governments run just about everything. If anyone still doubted that private industry doesn’t run things better than governments, I think that my time in office has certainly put that one to rest.”

When asked about what would happen to the general population, Mr Abbott said that they’d benefit from the sale through lower taxes, and the fact that they wouldn’t be responsible for Labor’s debt.

“In fact,” he stated, holding up a brochure, “the figures contained in this demonstrate that this deal will be worth at least $538 in savings to the average household. And we intend to make sure that every household is given one of these brochures even though the printing may take a large chunk out of the $538.”

When it was suggested that some people may not like living under Chinese rule, Abbott scoffed and said that this was just the sort of xenophobia that the unions were promoting by suggesting that there should be restrictions on 457 visas.

One reporter tried to suggest that people wouldn’t stand for living under such a repressive regime, where the government refused to release information and the Internet was under constant surveillance from the security agencies, but he was quickly shut down by Abbott who suggested that recent government decisions had made the whole deal more appealing to the Chinese. “Two years ago the Chinese would have been worried that Australians would never accept a totalitarian state, but we managed to show them exactly how little the average Australian fights back. Thanks to our brilliant sales strategy, you can look forward to living in country where you don’t have to worry about who to vote for. And if you still want to live in a democracy, you can take your $538 and move wherever you like.”

Mr Abbott then apologised and suggested that he’d be taking no further questions as his VIP jet was on standby to take him to official business in Las Vegas, and unfortunately he couldn’t tell us what the official business was, because what happens in Las Vegas, stays in Las Vegas, but he assured everyone that it wasn’t a book launch or a birthday party.

While Bronwyn Bishop announced that she’d been appointed as a judge and jury by the Chinese, and would therefore staying on, other unnamed Liberal sources named Bishop suggested that this was Abbott’s way of avoiding a leadership spill. Meanwhile. Turnbull said that he wouldn’t be challenging anything, on advice from Godwin Grech.

Christopher Pyne was fortunately unavailable for comment.

 

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23 comments

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  1. Lyle Upson.

    but hang on, i don’t feel so entitled to that $538 just now

  2. Sir ScotchMistery

    I began to read this and thought, OMG Tony finally got something right, so I quickly turned to page 1 to check out ALL the headlines, and it was then I suddenly realised it wasn’t Newscorpse article, it was in the thinking man’s gambling den, or, as we call it, the AIMN.

    I returned to the article and thought to myself “self”, I thought, “WTF is going on”?

    I looked at the by-line and thought OMG Rossleigh has been hurt in some form of weird and colourful experiment against the AIMN carried out by the AFP and the DSD, watched by ASIO and the LNP.

    “Free me from this troublesome priest” I heard off to the right.

    “Look out here comes the stare” I heard from that moron “leading” the labor party who no longer deserve to be capitalised.

    I saw @JulieBishop begin the turn of her well sprayed hair, and thought “this is the end”.

    And finally, I was right. But maintaining my left. Progressively.

    “We’re doomed”, he said…

  3. Gilly

    So what is new they have already sold democracy to the miners, human rights to sectarian ideology, civil liberties to ISIS, foreign policy to the US military/industrial complex and their souls to News Ltd. All for the price of two years worth of time to have their noses in the trough.

  4. Roswell

    Oh dear. I see on Facebook that some people think this is true.

  5. Rossleigh

    You mean they have souls, Gilly?

  6. sigh

    I’m guessing this is satire but its getting harder and harder to tell what is and isn’t satire under this government.

  7. roscoe

    this story is too late, they sold us to China a long time ago, final sales details are being done right now. ie, do you want the population to stay or do you want them removed? for some reason it is being called a FTA

  8. Terry2

    ‘What about a 99 year lease’, Mr Hockey was asked – ‘well, it’s the same as selling it isn’t it, who’s going to be around in 2114 anyhow ?’

    ‘You sure you’re not from the ABC ?’

  9. Phi

    Nothing I can do about the mess Australian conservative voters have made of this once decent nation. What I can do is what I will do – vote Greens and never touch the Libs, Nats or Labs again – let them rot.

    With patience, bit by bit, election by election, we should bring this bastard two party system to its knees – then in true ISIS fashion ( and Saudi, oops nearly left out the masters of art out) decapitate them both.

    Then we start anew!!

  10. mark delmege

    It would be an illegal sale – as we were snaffled by the yanks long ago.

  11. stephentardrew

    Yeah but we can have it both ways by signing the TPP while welcoming Chinese ownership until the whole bloody shebang is gone and we are left in servitude to the universal one percent who don’t give a shit what country you come from. You know the universal global boy’s club of conservatives.

    I am astounded at the clarity and thoughtlessness of your spiritual advisor Ross.

  12. Kaye Lee

    Ross is renowned and revered for his satire. I have been a fan for years. When he does factual pieces like this one he makes me feel truly ill.

  13. mark delmege

    Backing up my point above – this just in. Two of my favourite webby posters together – the Saker interviewing former Reagan insider Paul Craig Roberts, turned critic – and a little on why Ozland is just a vassal state.

    The Saker interviews Paul Craig Roberts

  14. Kyran

    Another satirist did a story on this a while ago. Paul Hogan, in the late 70’s, suggested (in his TV show) this exact scenario. Except his proposition was (from memory) $1mil per Australian, paid in US dollars. An embargo was to be placed on Chinese involvement in Australia for a period of one month from settlement to enable Australians use their money to get the hell out. It seems only appropriate that Australia’s Nostradamus is Paul Hogan and Rossleigh is the new disciple! Take care

  15. gangey1959

    @ Gilly. It was their arsouls they sold,. “Thank you sir, and may I have another” and all….

    I, as I assume the rest of the good folk in here do too, read these brilliant articles, click on the links like the 2 above from MarkD and JohnF, and nearly burst into tears in disgust.
    “Surely you can’t be serious….” springs to mind.
    I’m still not sure what I find most upsetting. The cold hard reality of the world we are all living in, or the fact that our illustrious leaders think that we are stupid enough to believe their bullshit, and that things aren’t really anything nearly as bad as I understand them to be.
    I’d sleep better at night if they all just said straight out “We’ve f*cked you over, again. You haven’t got a hope in hell, and if you try to do anything about us you’ll regret it. Big time.”
    Then at least they could take their own chance when they come knocking on my door asking for my vote.

    Have a fun day folks.
    Lets see what they come up with this afternoon.

  16. Ronald D. Rowlands

    MEDIA RELEASE WEDNESDAY, 25 MARCH 2015

    CEC’S ISHERWOOD:
    FAREWELL MALCOLM FRASER, CHAMPION OF SOVEREIGNTY AND PEACE
    It is with both great honour and great sadness that on behalf of the Citizens Electoral Council I pay tribute to former Prime Minister Malcolm Fraser, who passed away on 20 March at the age of 84.
    The universal respect being expressed for Mr. Fraser from individuals and organisations across the broad political spectrum, speaks eloquently to his integrity, and to his steadfast adherence to principles.
    Malcolm Fraser spoke out on issues that brought him into conflict with the political consensus in Australia, including the shameful mistreatment of asylum seekers; the assault on civil liberties from “anti-terrorism” laws; the destructiveness of radical financial deregulation; and, on the optimistic side, for the need to develop Australia and build the population up to 45-50 million people.
    Above all, Malcolm Fraser devoted his final years to fighting for Australia to end its historical subservience to empires, first to the British Empire, and now to an America presently acting in that British imperial tradition. His deepest passion was that Australia assert itself at long last as an independent sovereign nation.
    THAT WAS THE MESSAGE OF HIS 2014 BOOK, DANGEROUS ALLIES. ( http://cecaust.com.au/releases/2014_05_05_Fraser.html )
    Mr. Fraser warned that the Anglo-American powers were the strategic aggressors against China and Russia, and are therefore pushing the world towards nuclear war, and that Australia’s strategic subservience to the Anglo-Americans made us complicit in their strategy.
    Malcolm Fraser was not prone to exaggeration: he warned his fellow Australians that the current US strategic policy of the Obama administration, the so-called Asia Pivot, for which Australia has made itself available as a staging ground, is leading to nuclear war with China, in which Australia would inevitably be a target. (http://cecaust.com.au/main.asp?sub=releases&id=2012_10_30_New_Cit.html )
    He viewed the Russian situation similarly: the cause of the crisis, he emphasised repeatedly, is not Russia’s policy, but the aggressive eastward expansion of NATO, driven by our US and UK allies, to encircle Russia, in clear breach of the spirit of the undertaking given to Mikhail Gorbachev following the end of the USSR.
    He was one of the few prominent Australians to speak out against the coup in Ukraine in February 2014, ( http://cecaust.com.au/releases/2014_03_05_Ukraine_Fraser.html ) orchestrated by the US, the UK and the EU, which installed a neo-Nazi-infested regime in order to expand NATO right up to Russia’s border.
    Put bluntly, Malcolm Fraser disagreed vehemently with virtually everything that Australian politicians and the media are telling us about the major strategic challenges facing the world today: that China is aggressive and bullying its neighbours; and that Putin is a tyrannical dictator determined to expand Russia and destabilise Europe.
    Finally, Mr. Fraser also had firm views on the financial system. He is decried by the Liberal-Labor consensus for resisting the radical deregulation of the financial system that was pushed by banks, financial markets and Thatcherite think tanks during his prime ministership, and he was right to do so. His wisdom and foresight were vindicated when the deregulated global financial system melted down in 2008.
    With that understanding, in 2013 Mr. Fraser threw his support behind the CEC’s campaign for a full Glass-Steagall separation of retailing banking from investment banking in Australia and worldwide, declaring that “Repealing Glass-Steagall [in the US] was the stupidest thing they ever did.” In August 2014 he made his own submission to David Murray’s Financial System Inquiry, calling for Glass-Steagall to be imposed on Australia’s banking system. ( http://cecaust.com.au/releases/2014_09_09_Fraser_FSI.html )
    Malcolm Fraser had the courage to change his views as he went through life, but he didn’t change his underlying principles. What really changed after he left the formal political arena was the Australian elite, which now shamelessly dances to a foreign-dictated tune of right-wing economic and strategic policies which portend disaster for his beloved nation. Australia has lost a true statesman, who continued to lead until the day he died. One can almost hear a single kilted piper playing over his grave, announcing that Malcolm Fraser has fought his final fight. To truly honour him, we as Australians must find the wisdom to heed his warnings, and the courage within ourselves to act for the causes which he so nobly advanced, until his spirit departed.
    On behalf of the entire CEC I offer my heartfelt condolences to Malcolm Fraser’s widow and lifelong partner Tamie, and to their children and grandchildren.
    Click here for a free copy of the CEC’s Oct.-Dec. 2012 New Citizen newspaper headlined “Act Now! Stop Nuclear War!”, which features Malcolm Fraser’s detailed warning that the direction of Australia’s Anglo-American-run foreign policy is leading to nuclear war. (http://cecaust.com.au/main.asp?id=free_new_citizen_cv7n8.html )
    Citizens Electoral Council of Australia
    MEDIA RELEASE WEDNESDAY, 25 MARCH 2015
    Craig Isherwood‚ National Secretary
    PO Box 376‚ COBURG‚ VIC 3058
    Phone: 1800 636 432
    Email: cec@cecaust.com.au
    Website: http://www.cecaust.com.au
    Click here to join the CEC as a member.
    Click here to refer others to receive regular email updates from the Citizens Electoral Council of Australia.

  17. stephentardrew

    Great post Ronald agree entirely because with or without Fraser the facts remain the same. Fraser had the intelligence to see what the hell is going on and wanted us to cut ties with US military and spy bases in Australia. Even Labor is not behind reinstating Glass Steagall which makes them straight out neo-con supply side economic rationalists. Just don’t tell Labor supporters or they will cry in their milk. Most progressives have no idea how radical Fraser’s later ideas were. In fact he left Labor far behind in progressive and innovative thinking. As for the drive to vilify Russia and China it’s all to do with the China Development Bank and the arrival of a competitive world currency to US dollar hegemony. Europe is beginning to show cracks in the US alliance. The US was in panic mode during the Cube crisis yet feels its legitimate to do exactly the same to Russia ignoring Gorbachev’s agreement to leave the border countries neutral. As for the Crimea and Russia giving over Sevastopol to NATO and denying access for the Black Sea Fleet to the Mediterranean is to expect Russia to give up the only strategic port with access to the south during winter is unadulterated madness. But oh no facts are just too damn inconvenient. I am neither a supporter of Russia or the US and therefore more open to exploring the facts.

    The US is corrupt to its core while we are following behind like uncritical but sniffing dogs ignorant of the facts. The world is going to hell in a hand basket while the one percent reap all the rewards bugger the consequences.

    It’s interesting to see many bloggers vilifying Fraser for his past blunders while ignoring his later years when he went far beyond the conservatives and Labor in his critique of Reaganism, Thacherism and unconstrained unregulated capitalism. Lot more to consider but is enough for now.

  18. Terry2

    All this talk about selling (or long term leasing) publicly owned assets got me thinking about why it is such a controversial subject.

    For sake of argument let’s assume that we sell our electricity distribution networks to Australian superannuation funds, they’ve got squillians of public money to invest in safe and productive assets and the result is that the government gets its money to invest in new infrastructure and the public asset remains in public hands through your super fund.

    Selling these assets to offshore interests just isn’t sensible and certainly not in the public interest : if they are such good assets and if they must be ‘recycled’ then surely we should ensure that we sell or lease to socially productive entities in Australia.

    That’s not controversial, is it ?

  19. mark delmege

    Why sell them to profit making enterprises, to our cost, when the government can keep them and what profit they can make can be returned to general revenue? ie why sell the cow to buy milk? The only way they will operate more profitably is by cutting wages and conditions. Besides think of all the sales and marketing people employed in useless non productive and expensive work and the kickbacks to management – all of which the energy consumer pay for. No Terry this is a neo liberal con job.

    But yes lets have a discussion on where our super funds go. (before they disappear down the vortex of another share market asset bubble bust)

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