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Abbott – Making Australia the Country It Once Was.

Photo by author

Photo by author

Our Prime Minister, Tiny Abbott is growing into the role. At first media-shy and hard to find, lately he has been putting his distinct stamp on the country.

As my previous predictions have proven even more accurate than the people who predicted another share market crash in 2012, I feel it’s my duty to offer a prognostication for the next twelve months.

April – Abbott to announce that in the interests of increasing productivity that we will move to the Imperial system of weights and measures.

May – Abbott to announce that the national anthem to revert to “God Save the Queen” and will continue to be “God Save the Queen” even if Charles assumes the throne.

June – Abbott to announce that in future our unit of currency will not be known as dollars, but will be called “royals” as was originally announced by Menzies.

July – Liberals take control of Senate and declare The Greens a proscribed terrorist organisation.

August – Brandis to announce that people with skin deemed too dark or wearing Islamic dress will not be allowed in public except on a Tuesday between 11am and 1pm as the sight of them offends some people. “Bigots have rights too, you know,” will be placed on billboards announcing the reason for the change.

September – Pyne will announce that the Gonski reforms are still going to happen, apart from the funding bit and anything that is likely actually improve the public system.

October – Bronwyn Bishop will rule that there is no obligation for her to call a division as she already knows the result of the vote and that Labor is just wasting time.

November – In a surprise result, Labor will be leading in a poll taken by Newspoll. This will be particularly surprising because the only people polled will be Coalition MPs.

December – Tony Abbott will dress up as Santa Claus and make rather inappropriate suggestions to some attractive females about sitting on his knee, reviving the Fiona Scott moment from the election campaign. In the controversy that follows, Christopher Pyne will dismiss concerns by saying that he wishes someone would ask him to sit on their knee.

January – Abbott will appear on a cricket show and attempt to commentate, but will be taken off because the pauses between his words will take longer than the pauses between balls.

February – On Peta Credlin’s orders, ASIO will take Bill Shorten into custody and hold him secretly without telling anyone. (He may be released if the ALP poll numbers continue to rise.)

March – A second “March In March” will be organised. The Murdoch Press will report this briefly before spending the next ten minutes talking to the organiser of the “Anti-March in March” where he called on all the people who supported Abbott not to come to Manangatang Main Street, and the lack of people will be used to indicate how much support Abbott still has amongst the apathetic.

Keep this guide.

My Liberal Excuses Bingo (published prior to the election) is already full.


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