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Abbott to advise Donald Trump on border protection

Conservative policy gurus in America are concerned that Donald Trump’s planned wall to keep out the Mexicans might see a flood of boat people descending onto America’s east and west coasts.

Former Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott’s reputation for tough border protection, aka stopping the boats, is highly admired by Mr Trump so who better to turn to for advice?

“I have received a call from Donald Trump” revealed Abbott. “He didn’t beat around the bush. He wants to make America great again and let’s be frank, the only way he can make America great again is by stopping the boats. By stopping the boats”.

When asked for further details Mr Abbott was quick to reiterate that by stopping the boats Mr Trump would make America great again. “Donald Trump likes boats, but he wants to make America great again and to do so he must stop the boats. Donald Trump likes boats and he likes Mexicans, and Mexicans like Donald Trump”.

When it was pointed out to Mr Abbott that America does not even have a ‘boat people’ problem with Mexican refugees he disclosed that “Australia’s Immigration Minister, Peter Dutton, has received reports that a fleet of Indonesian people-smugglers recently arrived in Mexico and are setting up operations in the likelihood of a Trump victory in the presidential election”.

A spokesperson for Mr Trump confirmed that the Republican had spoken to Tony Abbott last week.

“Based on Mr Abbott’s advice we are now drawing up Mr Trump’s ‘boat people’ policy. I can confirm that boat people will not be returned to Mexico. Australia has refugee detention centres in Nauru and Manus Island which are no longer in use as Mr Abbott had advised that as he was so successful in not only stopping the boats but deterring the boats, these centres are laying waste. We will negotiate with the Australian Government about leasing these centres”.

It was also confirmed that if these negotiations were unsuccessful, America would look at building detention centres in islands north of Alaska. “Another option” continued the spokesperson, “is to relocate these refugees to Cambodia. Mr Abbott has advised that a highly successful arrangement had been negotiated with the Cambodian Government to resettle boat people in the Asian country. Mr Abbott told Mr Trump that Australia has relocated thousands of refugees in Cambodia at minimal cost, and that these refugees have integrated well into the community and most have found permanent employment. This is good, as Mr Trump likes Cambodia. Cambodia can help make America great again”.

Mr Abbott will be flying to America to hold talks with Donald Trump next week. He will be accompanied by his former Chief of Staff, Peta Credlin. Ms Credlin told reporters that she and Mr Abbott will also be discussing her other successful border protection policy with Mr Trump, that is, the issuing of visas to potential boat people so they can come to Australia by plane, effectively putting people-smugglers out of business and, significantly, stopping the boats. “I believe Mr Trump would also favour this as an alternate policy as everyone knows he likes visas. Visas can make America great again”, said Ms Credlin.

“No” interrupted Mr Abbott. “Only stopping the boats can make America great again”.

Please note that this is a satirical piece. Possibly.


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  1. Steve Laing

    Excellent! And almost believable!

  2. Jennifer Meyer-Smith

    Pity you didn’t write this on April Fool’s Day, Michael!

  3. Michael Taylor

    Jennifer, if I published it on April Fool’s Day then people would have instantly known that it was a joke. I didn’t want them to think that until they end of the article.

  4. Sir Scotchmistery

    Good point.

    I have started an online petition requesting Australia secede from the United States of Arseholes.

    Still waiting for a reply.

  5. Miriam English

    😀 hahaha
    If that ever happened I could not think of a better illustration of the blind leading the blind.

  6. Rossleigh

    Be careful what you write, Michael, Abbott has been known to steal ideas before.

  7. keerti

    Abbutt only steals ideas. He has none of his own! Whoops sorry, he had one once, but he forgot what it was!

  8. Annie B

    Great satire, Michael.

    You had me going for a few minutes – mainly because in this maniacal world of politics as it is today – the Trump / Abbott angle is not far off the mark.

    But oh gawd, I sure hope it is —- WAY off the mark. ( can anyone imagine it – or want to ? ) 😉

  9. jimhaz

    It wont work.

    The Mexicans will simply tie all their sombreros together like balloons and drift over the border, Danny Deckchair style.

    Normally this would not work, but since Donald Trump the Airhead will be mouthing off so much hot air, the resulting updraft will be enough to pull them across the border.

  10. gee

    surely this is an april fools piece?

  11. margcal

    Gee …. Abbott is a fool every day of the year 🙁

  12. Rais

    Thank you for pointing out at the end that the piece is satirical. Abbott satirises himself so well that it can be hard to tell. Fortunately his successor is much wiser and more balanced. ((Irony off))

  13. totaram

    Jimhaz: ha! ha! The imagination boggles. But they would shoot them down with drones surely?

  14. Annie B

    Jimhaz –

    tku for the great giggle …. the visualisation of this ‘possible event’ is priceless. …. and I wouldn’t be too surprised if someone tried it, from south of the border !! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  15. Wally

    Very believable until Credlin was included near the end and the biggest joke is on us, this idiot was actually our PM.

  16. Denis

    I don’t know this article sounded like the genuine thing to me. It clearly outlines how insane Abbott actually is.

  17. Carolynne Reed

    Soooo funny!

  18. Otto von Heidelberg

    Fantastic! My kind of Advocacy, that is out-crapping the crap Politicians! These days, fiction and reality are just about on the same page and can be found virtually in the same sentence!
    So “Stop the Boats” is naturally going to be the TOP ” Captain’s Pick” of the chosen Slogan to be found engraved in the inner sanctums of a Pyramid, if Australia ever builds one in Canberra (funded by patrons on the Panama List), dedicated to the only Pharoah it ever could have had OneTankAbbott, a distant descendant of Tutankhamun who also was known to have stopped a few boats on the Nile in his time and also advocated paying a levy to see a public physician for the masses.
    Just one notable mentionable fail, he (Abbott)could not stop Uber or the Pretender to the Throne who gained overwhelming popular support for advocating the removal of Divine Right of Rulership, in favour of Rebublicanism, a word not fully understood for 5000 years, despite innumerous World Wars fought on the subject!

  19. Leonie Trevanion

    It’s good to start the day with a laugh but I can actually hear this conversation with this pair of dimwits

  20. Otto von Heidelberg

    According to the latest evidence, Tone also advised Donald (Duck) on the subject of bicycle seats with which he has intimate knowledge over several decades. Never left home without one. Apparently he advocated up-turned 3 inch NAILS which would have the effect of making his crown jewels retract very significantly to near the base of his brain where they will do the most good when thinking aloud and answering questions. This also solves the abortion issue which Donald has been so interested in recently but just exactly how was not explained, except in conclusion Tone said to just “start and end with the boats” and “I’m not finished, just getting started Don,…” and ” Virgin Island documents and the current PM is just the tip of the iceberg”…it wasn’t certain if he meant the UK PM or the AUS PM. In reply Donald thanked Tone, invited him to dinner and said merrily, ” Iron man, that’s very good advice but you really think I know F*** NOTHING don’t you Tone? I actually know “F*** ALL!” The Telstra line was experiencing difficulties and the conversation was subsequently lost (at sea).

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