Conservative policy gurus in America are concerned that Donald Trump’s planned wall to keep out the Mexicans might see a flood of boat people descending onto America’s east and west coasts.
Former Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott’s reputation for tough border protection, aka stopping the boats, is highly admired by Mr Trump so who better to turn to for advice?
“I have received a call from Donald Trump” revealed Abbott. “He didn’t beat around the bush. He wants to make America great again and let’s be frank, the only way he can make America great again is by stopping the boats. By stopping the boats”.
When asked for further details Mr Abbott was quick to reiterate that by stopping the boats Mr Trump would make America great again. “Donald Trump likes boats, but he wants to make America great again and to do so he must stop the boats. Donald Trump likes boats and he likes Mexicans, and Mexicans like Donald Trump”.
When it was pointed out to Mr Abbott that America does not even have a ‘boat people’ problem with Mexican refugees he disclosed that “Australia’s Immigration Minister, Peter Dutton, has received reports that a fleet of Indonesian people-smugglers recently arrived in Mexico and are setting up operations in the likelihood of a Trump victory in the presidential election”.
A spokesperson for Mr Trump confirmed that the Republican had spoken to Tony Abbott last week.
“Based on Mr Abbott’s advice we are now drawing up Mr Trump’s ‘boat people’ policy. I can confirm that boat people will not be returned to Mexico. Australia has refugee detention centres in Nauru and Manus Island which are no longer in use as Mr Abbott had advised that as he was so successful in not only stopping the boats but deterring the boats, these centres are laying waste. We will negotiate with the Australian Government about leasing these centres”.
It was also confirmed that if these negotiations were unsuccessful, America would look at building detention centres in islands north of Alaska. “Another option” continued the spokesperson, “is to relocate these refugees to Cambodia. Mr Abbott has advised that a highly successful arrangement had been negotiated with the Cambodian Government to resettle boat people in the Asian country. Mr Abbott told Mr Trump that Australia has relocated thousands of refugees in Cambodia at minimal cost, and that these refugees have integrated well into the community and most have found permanent employment. This is good, as Mr Trump likes Cambodia. Cambodia can help make America great again”.
Mr Abbott will be flying to America to hold talks with Donald Trump next week. He will be accompanied by his former Chief of Staff, Peta Credlin. Ms Credlin told reporters that she and Mr Abbott will also be discussing her other successful border protection policy with Mr Trump, that is, the issuing of visas to potential boat people so they can come to Australia by plane, effectively putting people-smugglers out of business and, significantly, stopping the boats. “I believe Mr Trump would also favour this as an alternate policy as everyone knows he likes visas. Visas can make America great again”, said Ms Credlin.
“No” interrupted Mr Abbott. “Only stopping the boats can make America great again”.
Please note that this is a satirical piece. Possibly.
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