A John Clarke Inspired Sketch

In The Style of Our Late Master, Mr John Clarke

Brian: Now, your name is Reid?
John: My name is Reid, yes Brian, good evening
Brian: And what do you do, Reid?
John: I’m a Doctor, Brian. I work in the department of health
Brian: Right – and what’s your surname, Reid?
John: Alldebooks
Brian: Reid Alldebooks
John: That’s correct, Brian. Good evening
Brian: Now, I understand that the government is issuing a health warning?
John: Yes, Brian. The Minister thinks there’s not enough fear in the electorate to guarantee a coalition victory at the next election, so a warning about a non-existent threat was deemed necessary, and health is always a good target area. It was that or Muslims
Brian: Why would the government issue a warning against a non-existent threat?
John: Government research has found, Brian, that when people are afraid they tend to fall in line easier, and since the government doesn’t have any actual policy to crow about, fear was deemed the next best thing.
Brian: Right. And what is this threat, Reid?
John: Well Brian, it’s a fairly rare disease called Oppositionitis. It’s an inflammation of the Opposition.
Brian: Right – and what are the symptoms?
John: Symptoms, Brian, include protesting, particularly around traditional industries. Um – forgetting your place and not acknowledging your superiors, particularly in the religious and political spheres – that’s another major symptom of Oppositionitis. Symptoms also include social media criticism of the Prime Minister and the government generally
Brian: Like the hashtag scottyfrommarketting?
John: Are you feeling alright, Brian?
Brian: Yes, I’m fine, Reid. What does the government plan to do about this disease?
John: Well, they’re introducing laws to counter the symptoms of the disease
Brian: Such as?
John: Well the Religious Discrimination Bill for one. This establishes a clear religious hierarchy in Australia
Brian: I thought free exercise of religion was protected in the Constitution
John: It is, Brian, but it turns out that the protections don’t define religious exemptions to existing laws that are inconvenient to religious bigots
Brian: Right. What about the other symptoms? What is the government doing about them?
John: Well the government plans to introduce laws restricting protest, particularly against traditional industries such as coal and the horse-and-buggy industry
Brian: Restricting protest? People don’t have a right to voice their opinions?
John: Of course they do, Brian. Just in designated areas…far from where they can be seen or heard.
Brian: Reid, why doesn’t the government cure the overall disease instead of targeting the individual symptoms? The symptoms you describe could easily be cured by some policy changes
John: Brian, the body doesn’t adapt to diseases. It uses its immune system to rally the troops and excise the disease permanently. Whoever heard of the body adapting to a disease?
Brian: What does the government hope to get out of this?
John: As a result of infringing on the basic rights of Australians to criticise their government and generally be free, Brian, the government expects to be returned to office, of course.
Brian: Reid, thanks for joining us.

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