When Tony Abbott launched his election campaign in August 2013, he warned us that Kevin Rudd was “running the most dishonest election campaign in our history.”
Tony reassured us right up until the election
He then set about making his place in history
But Tony is gone and the party who thought for six years that he was the best person to lead them and our nation has elected a new leader.
The nation breathed a sigh of relief.
Malcolm would get us back on track to tackle climate change because he knows that Direct Action is an expensive waste of time or, to use his word, “bullshit”.
Malcolm is a proud Australian who would loudly proclaim the need for us to move on from the monarchy and become a Republic and get the ball rolling.
Malcolm has been a champion of marriage equality, realising there is no need to spend hundreds of millions asking the entire population if discrimination is ok.
Surely Malcolm knew what he was talking about when the Coalition promised that, within 100 days of being elected, the “NBN will have a new business plan to ensure that every household gains five times current broadband speeds – within three years and without digging up almost every street in Australia – for $60 billion less than Labor.”
After all, he is the innovation enabler.
Malcolm will get the kids out of detention. He made George Brandis go and talk to Gillian Triggs after all, and Tim Wilson seems less confident of getting her job.
Malcolm also understands that, to tackle the scourge of domestic violence, requires a cultural shift where women are respected at work and at home.
He showed that immediately with the choice of his cabinet. Mal Brough (what menu?), Jamie Briggs (I did nothing illegal), Mathias Cormann (solidarity bro), Peter Dutton (mad f*cking witch hater), Barnaby Joyce (geeze he was just having a drink), Michaelia Cash (I’m no feminist but I’m pissed off with him for interrupting my TURC).
He’s also got Sussan Ley. She’s a woman. And she’s very consultative. Extremely consultative. She’s so consultative she’s having another six inquiries on top of the countless reports she has already commissioned to find some way of dismantling medicare that the people won’t notice.
After fixing education, Christopher ‘the fixer’ Pyne has now gone on to fix industry, innovation and science.
Simon Birmingham seems a nice man. He’s young and we want renewal. Renewal is better than experience or expertise. Perhaps he’ll do better selling the backflip on education funding and delaying the attack on tertiary education. After all, he calmed down the furore over the mistaken text message by pointing out how admirable Peter Dutton was to confess that it was him.
Warren Truss has saved a lot of money by working out reannouncing infrastructure over and over is much cheaper than building it.
And Scott Morrison has fixed the budget emergency by telling us that was just politics. Things are so good we should all be excited. Phew, that was easy.
We’re all just one big happy family heading off on a holiday. Except Tony and his mates are being a bit naughty in the back seat. They keep poking people and just won’t be quiet.
As our previous PM, turned backseat driver, said in his campaign speech:
“… the worst deficit is not the budget deficit but the trust deficit. If you reward bad behaviour, you get more of it. If you reward failure, you just get more failure… send a signal to people in authority that we can forgive honest mistakes but not persistent incompetence and deception.”
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