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The Ego Has Landed

By Ross Sharp

Andy Angry Pants Bolt is Angry.

Angry Andy, The Angryman, who can take any sunrise and sprinkle it with spew, is well and truly Angry today, Angry that his political party and government of choice, under the stewardship of Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, went to an election, and sorta-kinda-maybe-maybe not f*cked it up royally, leaving the country “damned”, “ungovernable”, and in a “catastrophic” state, Turnbull “destroyed” and “devastated”, “humiliated, “temperamentally unsuited” to leadership, a “disaster”, who had the temerity, the vicious temerity to treat people such as Angry Pants like “dirt”, “pathetic”, Malcolm don’t know how to play the game, he cheats, he lies, he makes Andy wanna cry, and if you wanna to know what that sound is, darlin’, it’s the sound of his tears fallin’.

Who can take a rainbow, colour it with bile, soak it in a sewer and call it something vile, The Angryman can.

Veins popping, throbbing, and apoplectic with incandescent fury, Andy Angry Pants, Queen Bitch of Thundering Bluster and Bombast, imperious, delirious, and, forever true to his deform’d form, did rail and rage against the dying of the Right, and did issue a most stern ultimatum to its nemesis …

“RESIGN!”

God’s blood, this bumptious kvetch has been pissing and moaning, whining and whingeing, screaming at mirrors and screeching at clouds, night and day, day and night, ever since Tony Abbott, Captain Clownshoes, was unceremoniously pissed off from his brief stint as Prime Minister for being an embarrassing effing idiot, yet Andy’s longing for Tony has yet to quit, oh no, oh no, it follows wherever he goes, like the beat, beat, beat of the tom-tom, there’s oh such a hungry yearnin’ burnin’, and its torment won’t be through, there’s a voice within him keeps repeatin’, you, you, you.

“I’s tired of not havin’ me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we’s comin’ from or goin’ to, or why”, bewails Andy Angry Pants, in bitter lamentations of woe, dire prophecies of downfall and moral decay, but fear not Andy, the ranks of The Sore Losers Club hath swollen today …

Miranda Devine’s face don’t move no more, Piers Akerman’s lost his drool-bucket, Gerard Henderson has phoned Philip Nitschke on account Lifeline’s too busy to take his calls, Paul Sheehan’s back on the magic water, slumped in a gutter somewhere singing “Sweet Adeline”, wishing someone would give him a job so he could tell people what to think again, Alan Jones is retiring to write a Lonely Planet guide to the public toilets of London, Eric Abetz wishes his ol’ Uncle Otto were here to sort this shit out, Cory Bernardi’s locked himself in the bathroom again and you don’t wanna go there, and Lyle Shelton’s reading Ambrose Bierce and watching “Cruising”, thinkin’ ‘bout leather.

And Malcolm?

Malcolm Turnbull’s been musing (again) on why his mother left him when he was just a wee lad, and he’s only just now figured out the answer.

 

Ross Sharp blogs on his own site:Smelly Tongues,

and likes to hum Residents songs in the shower.

 

 


10 comments

  1. totaram

    Hilarious! Well done! The only time to draw attention to these morons is to have a jolly good laugh. They also know it, anyway. They do what they do because that is how they make a living. Considering their efforts do not actually make a profit for their employer, they need to redouble their efforts to stay in favour. He might just decide to cut and run….

  2. joanday45

    Hilarious! A Riot (as in funny) Sums it all very cleverly and witty !

  3. michaelattoowoomba

    No matter the times I want to write ,The Best ever,you go and surpass yourself, Congratulations. M F.

  4. Freethinker

    I just wonder if the Liberal party it is not in a self destruction mode….
    If the moderates within cannot regain control over the senior and young extreme right faction the party will be in a serious trouble.

  5. Rossi

    Excellent piece. Might I add that where you wrote about how the Mad Monk was “unceremoniously pissed off from his brief stint as Prime Minister for being an embarrassing f*cking idiot” it brought a smile to my face.

  6. James Ellis

    Apart from his attention Seeking need to be centre stage and the bearer of “the shocking truth”, Bolt is not much different than Kenny, Devine, Albrechson, Dean and others that regularly express their “expert” judgement as conservative apologists. Their views range from extreme right to off the planet and their hatred of anything considered “of the left” leaves them with a total lack of worthwhile objectiveness. I spent his whole rant laughing.

  7. lance

    totaram ,it is inevitable the Rose Bay banker will hightail it to the Caymans ,Why on earth would he hang around now ?
    in this smouldering scorched earth ,wounded Lib body territory with casualty’s strewen all around and forsaken across the battlefield .

    He’s job is done ,no one has worked it out yet
    This is richman’s payback for the Libs breaking the nation’s heart on the Aust independent referendrum vote in 1999.
    Malcom bows and makes exit stage left .

  8. Shane

    Laughed my arse off to this classic piece. Thank you

  9. wam

    hahah just read tlob and loved it as bottom bilge or bum bleating. With an ounce of luck turncoat will be the PM for the shortest time.

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