Interviewer: Good morning, today we have the Treasurer of Australia, Mr Hoe Jockey, Good morning, Mr Jockey.
Jockey: Good morning.
Interviewer: Now, apparently while you were in New Zealand, you were quoted as saying that the Budget was not in crisis…
Jockey: Sorry, where did you get this information?
Interviewer: Well, it’s been reported in a number of newspapers, as well as appearing on the Internet.
Jockey: Amazing. You mean something that I say in another country can make it’s way all the way to Australia?
Interviewer: Of course.
Jockey: Ah, well it just goes to show that there’s no need for that fast broadband that Labor was wasting all that money on.
Interviewer: But what about the substance of what you said?
Jockey: What about it?
Interviewer: Is Australia’s Budget in crisis or not?
Jockey: That depends.
Interviewer: On what?
Jockey: Well, for a start it depends on what country I’m in.
Interviewer: How does that work?
Jockey: In Australia, it’s a crisis because we shouldn’t be comparing ourselves to other countries. But when I’m in another country, it’d be rude if I didn’t. And when I do, we look pretty good.
Interviewer: Why shouldn’t we be comparing ourselves to other countries when we’re in Australia?
Jockey: Because other countries are irrelevant. We should be comparing ourselves to the best we can be.
Interviewer: And what’s that?
Jockey: That’s when the government is running huge surpluses, while business and mining pay no tax, and the unemployed are all working or studying or in jail, and people stop going to the doctor because they’re not suffering from anything that won’t fix itself if you give it long enough.
Interviewer: But how can you say that the Budget isn’t in crisis when you’ve been saying that it’s an emergency situation for the past couple of years.
Jockey: I’m not sure that a crisis and an emergency are the same thing.
Interviewer: Whatever, what’s changed?
Jockey: Look, if we’re just going to get bogged down with semantics, the essence of my argument will be lost.
Interviewer: I was trying not to get bogged down in semantics.
Jockey: So in other words, you don’t care about the difference between one word and another?
Interviewer: It’s not really that important. I’d like you to answer my question.
Jockey: Well if words aren’t important, there’s not a lot of difference between saying that there’s no crisis and saying that there is!
Interviewer: Mr Jockey, what’s changed? Why is there no longer a Budget Crisis in your opinion?
Jockey: Well, we got elected! Everything’s ok now.
Interviewer: How does that work?
Jockey: It’s just the way it is. Don’t you remember Costello’s debt truck before the 1996 election. It went around tell us about our enormous balance of payments problem and how households had billions of dollars of personal debt. Then we got elected and nobody cared that it tripled over the eleven years of the Howard Government.
Interviewer: So just because you got elected then the crisis is over?
Jockey: Well, it is for us. Look, when Labor left office they left a debt of $283 billion. What’s the debt now?
Interviewer: I don’t know.
Jockey: No, that’s not right. The answer is: Who cares?
Interviewer: But surely people will be upset when you tell them this…
Jockey: Oh, I don’t intend to tell them.
Interviewer: What about this interview?
Jockey: Gee, do you think people will find out?
Interviewer: Of course they will – just like your New Zealand comments, it’ll go straight on the Internet!
Jockey: Bugger! Opposition was so much easier. I just can’t get used to anyone actually paying attention to anything I say.
Interviewer: If it’s any consolation, nobody takes you seriously.
Jockey: Are you from the ABC? That sounded like bias to me. Alan Jones never treats me like this.
Interviewer: That’s all we’ve got time for!
Jockey: You’ll have even less time once I’ve cut your funds. Hey don’t publish that bit. Come on, that was off the record…
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