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Prime Minister Tony Abbott has announced his intention to reintroduce knights and dames to Australia.

“There won’t be very many knights or dames in the Order of Australia,” he said. “People who may receive this honour will be those who have accepted rather than sought public office”.

So my hopes of being a knight aren’t over.

Of course, some of you are probably thinking what have I ever done to deserve a knighthood. Well, as a young boy, I made it my life’s work to kill all the dragons in Australia. And – at last count – there were none, so you’d have to say I’ve been extremely successful. And, though it may be a little premature, I have asked my friends to address me as “Sir Rossleigh”.

Unfortunately, some of them have left wing tendencies and think that the idea of knights and dames is rather anachronistic. One even went so far as to suggest that Abbott had no mandate for this.

“Nonsense,” I told him. “Once one has been elected Prime Minister, one has a mandate from God. Anything one says is subject to Prime Ministerial Infallibilty.”

“That’s the Pope, you idiot. No, this is just one more example of a migrant refusing to leave his country’s ways behind.”

“Please explain,” I said, which for reasons I don’t understand starting him laughing.

“Abbott is English. He won’t support a republic and now he wants to re-introduce knighthoods so he can give one to Howard. Or maybe Murdoch.”

I reminded him that it was wrong to bring up Abbott’s place of birth. “After all, it’s your lot who want to keep those silly laws against racial vilification,” I added, hoping he’d see the sheer hypocrisy of his position. Unfoortunately, he didn’t. Just like when he argued that the media had an obligation to report on the March in March just because a few hundred thousand people were protesting.

“The media need to be free to report the things that they think are important. You can’t have the government dictating what the media should and shouldn’t say,” I told him at the time.

“What about the ABC?”

“Exactly,” I replied. “That’s what happens when it’s not left to private industry. They have a clear bias.”

“You’re an idiot,” he said.

“I’m offended,” I said.

“Who cares? It’s not a crime to offend someone. Or it won’t be soon.”

Then he shook his head and told me that he couldn’t be bothered talking to morons any more.

But I’ll bet he’ll change his mind when I get my knighthood. After all, nobody could ever laugh at a knight.

Or a dame.